tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-110956532024-03-07T00:36:09.608-08:00Prefect SlogSAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.comBlogger398125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-92048887445156800032016-12-21T04:28:00.000-08:002016-12-21T04:28:44.155-08:00DOCTOR WHO: GENESIS OF THE TRUNDLEBUMPS<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Doctor Who</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6.0pt; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">GENESIS OF THE TRUNDLEBUMPS</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6.0pt; text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Simon A Forward</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">The sky cracked again and again. The
bedroom window exploded with colour. But kept the rainbow blasts trapped safely
inside the glass. Blossoming over and over around the Doctor’s grey reflection.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">My parents would flip. Some old man
sneaking into my room. But he did. One night, every year. Not always with the
same face. And never so moody as he looked tonight.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Is that them?” I asked, knowing full
well it wasn’t.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“What?” He stared at me, cross.
“Don’t be daft. It’s the fireworks.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“They said. On the news. The war.
They could be coming here next. Next year.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Well, of course, they could. But
it’s not next year, is it?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Nearly.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Well, yes, I can tell that from the
fireworks. But nearly’s not yet. Anyway, you mustn’t believe everything you
hear on the news. They make stuff up. Sometimes.” He turned from the window and
swatted Teddy from the bedside chair, taking his place. Then caught the look I
gave him and picked Teddy up and sat him on his lap. He didn’t look too happy
about it, but Teddy looked comfortable. I had to laugh. “Anyway, you shouldn’t
be watching the news at your age.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“I know. I should be out playing with
the other children.” He didn’t answer. He didn’t need to say a word. I bit my
tongue. “Anyway,” I said, proving I could match him for ‘anyways’, “I know I
shouldn’t. It scares me – but I can’t help it. I have to keep watching. I have
to know.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">Otherwise the world – and the
universe – was mostly this house. This room. But I didn’t want to say that out
loud. No more feeling sorry for myself.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Well, good for you. It takes
courage. To admit you’re scared. Then keep doing the thing that scares you.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">Outside, the night fizzed and burned.
Fierce and bright.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“So are you going to tell me a
story?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“You’re too old for stories.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Never.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Well, all right then.” He fished in
his pocket and flashed his fancy screwdriver with a twirl. Waved it back and
forth over the machine like a magic wand. “There! I can’t possibly concentrate
with that thing chugging away. I’ve no idea why they make them so noisy.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">I rolled my eyes. The machine was
quiet. I never even heard it these days. Especially tonight, with all the
fireworks going off. Funny the things that annoyed him. Like Teddy and the
faint tick and whir of the life support that I only noticed now that he’d
silenced it.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">He put the screwdriver away and
propped Teddy on the window sill behind him. Then clapped his hands. “Right. A
story.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Let me guess. Is it about you?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“No, I’m more just the designated
driver. Although I set the course and pick all the destinations and – so I
suppose you could say I was quite instrumental. Pivotal, even. Quite But it’s
really about a young girl.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">I perked up. “Is it about me?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“No. Why do people always think
things are about them? It’s very egotistical. No, it’s about a girl who was a
bit older than you. Vicki, she was called. She travelled with me for a while.
Oh, a long time ago. Then, once upon a time,” he stressed the words to show he
was beginning his story, “I went back to find her again.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Why?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">The Doctor scowled, briefly, at the
interruption. “Reasons. <i>Anyway,</i>” he
stressed, to show that he was winning in our ‘anyways’ competition, “I’d been
thinking about her lately. And I realised the universe could use her special talents.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“What talents?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">The Doctor sighed. He knew this was
how storytelling went between us. He couldn’t shut me up with his screwdriver.
“She had a gift. For honesty. She saw things and called them what they were.
Like the Chumblies.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Chumblies?” I laughed. It was that
kind of word.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Yes. Chumblies,” said the Doctor
sternly. And that made it funnier. “Robots. Chubby and round and – well, they
just sort of ‘chumbled’ around. You had to be there.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Okay,” I said, wondering how this
Vicki was going to help the universe with a superpower like that.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“So yes, I popped by to see her. She
was delighted to see me. Jumped at the chance to go travelling with me again.
You know, after I’d convinced her it was the same old me. It was just like old
times. And I took her to all sorts of places.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“What sort of places?” I loved it
when he took the trouble to describe all the magical worlds out there.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Oh terrible places. All the absolute
worst places I could think of.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Oh,” I said. Disappointed but
somehow a bit more interested in his story. Thinking, there had better be a
point.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Yes. Our first stop was Mondas.
Which wasn’t really that bad. Just a bit miserable. There was a recession on,
ageing population, rising energy prices, lots to grumble about. But despite all
the misery, the one thing people wanted most of all was to extend their lives.
I know right? Somebody had this crazy idea to replace all their arms and legs
and other bits with machine parts. As though life as silver giants – tin men
without hearts – might be better somehow. Vicki and I went to this expo where
they were showcasing some prototypes. ‘Handleplods!’ she shouted out as soon as
she saw one. Some journalist caught the word and ran with it. And of course it
stuck.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">I frowned. “Handleplods?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">The Doctor did a quick mime: grasping
invisible handlebars somewhere around his ears. “They had this whole thing
going on with – well, maybe you had to be there. Doesn’t matter. The point is,
even as lumbering silver giants with the strength of ten men, you can’t go terrorising
galaxies after that.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“No, I suppose not.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Anyway,</span></i><span style="line-height: 200%;"> we
visited all sorts of other places. Homeworlds of this race and that race,
planets where first contact was made between certain races and other races they
liked to invade. And I made sure Vicki was there to see them first. Before the
would-be conquerors got to announce themselves or before their would-be victims
got to give them a name. Basically, before any of the monsters could introduce
themselves to the rest of the universe. We met the Shamblewhispers, the Nubbleskins,
the Jacketspuds, the Cuddle Monsters. I tell you, even though Vicki liked the
word ‘monsters’ for that last lot, the Great Intelligence had to go find a
whole new set of servants after that.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“The who?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“The Great Intelligence. Long story.
And he got to keep the name. Vicki’s not so good when it comes to naming
invisible entities. Visual cues, behaviour, that sort of thing tends to be an
important part of her magic.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“I see,” I said, although I didn’t.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Most of all, we visited Skaro. The
home of those abominations you’ve seen on all that news you shouldn’t be
watching. Just when a local chief scientist – nasty fellow, no sense of humour
– was experimenting with what he called a Mark Three Travel Machine. And that
was another thing about him – he just didn’t have Vicki’s imagination. Anyway,
just as he’s arranged this demonstration and before he can distribute details
of all the modifications he’s made, he wheels out his great project and Vicki –
she can’t help herself – blurts out one word.” The Doctor paused, met my gaze.
“Trundlebumps,” he said.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Trundlebumps.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“That’s right. Only with more
excitement and, well, a bit of applause. Which I thought was overdoing it, but
you can’t contain enthusiasm like that. Of course, it earned a lot of stern
looks from the scientists in the audience, but there wasn’t a great deal they
could do about it. Once we’d done a runner, the word had been said. Out loud. Our
work was done. No matter what the chief scientist wanted to call them after
that, everybody else thought of them as Trundlebumps. And if there’s one thing
that holds true throughout the universe, it’s that word gets around faster than
a Trundlebump. And that, dear listener, is how they came to be known, forever
after, as Trundlebumps. Like the Handleplods before them they were never so
scary after that and they lost all their power to terrorise.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">I snorted. “That never happened. They
don’t call them Trundlebumps on the news.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Ah but that’s the thing about my
stories. They could happen.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“When?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Soon. In ancient Greece. Perhaps as
soon as I’ve left here. They could happen any time. I could leave here tonight
and go and find Vicki tomorrow and it could all happen yesterday.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“I don’t believe you.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">The Doctor jumped up. “That, my girl,
is entirely up to you. Time will tell. Perhaps when I come back next year,
you’ll have to admit they’re a little less scary. And I’ll be sure to bring the
humble pie for you to eat. Would you like it with or without custard?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“With.” I smiled and shook my head
and rolled my eyes all in one go.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">“Time I was off. Places to be. Other
children to visit. It’s not all about you, you know.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">And he smiled back at me, squeezed my
hand and retreated to the big blue cupboard that he always parked next to the
wardrobe. And he was gone, in a box that made a lot more noise than my machine.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">Trundlebumps, I thought. And I
replayed some of the news stories in my head. Replacing the name they used with
Trundlebumps.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">And I stared at the space where the
Doctor’s box had stood. And I muttered at it, telling him he was right. I
didn’t have to wait until next year. They were already a bit less scary.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">I wondered if Vicki’s trick worked
for everything. Maybe I could try it on all the long words the other doctors
used. The words I’d practised so hard until I could pronounce them by heart,
until I’d grown sick of hearing them. It might be tricky, because the thing was
sort of like an invisible entity, wasn’t it? Like that ‘Great Intelligence’
thing. But under a microscope it would be visible and on the net there’d be
pictures. Maybe I’d play that game. Tomorrow.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">For now, I watched the fireworks
spraying the window. Where Teddy sat. Where, if I squinted, I could still see
the Doctor’s reflection. Or remember it anyway.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">Making me feel a little bit better.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">SAF 2016</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 200%;">Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! </span></span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-40930369722084632182016-10-27T03:48:00.002-07:002016-10-27T03:48:53.352-07:00Black Dog Rising - October<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHdD_Bwf94KoBQhkmNl6-0x67lr8NtaZGK6p0YEu9Mmm8oCC02RotakhaF6Thoex7IuBV9yvzGYFLUCQLu0Ivtyai0fPrMsRuwLzsDxRkY_MJu2VIcq7dGIvv944wv-okWM0PN/s1600/blackdoghelo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHdD_Bwf94KoBQhkmNl6-0x67lr8NtaZGK6p0YEu9Mmm8oCC02RotakhaF6Thoex7IuBV9yvzGYFLUCQLu0Ivtyai0fPrMsRuwLzsDxRkY_MJu2VIcq7dGIvv944wv-okWM0PN/s320/blackdoghelo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">You win,
2016. I give up.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The
difference between defeat and a tactical withdrawal lies in how its perceived.
And, I guess, whether you decided to retreat or were driven from the field.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Today, I
can’t tell the difference. I hope it’s a tactical – or strategic – withdrawal,
because I have come to some hard decisions. At the same time, I’m aware I was
pushed. Trouble is, when you run from the Black Dog, it comes with you. And that
does colour your perceptions.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Here’s the
thing: I’d been doing quite well to build myself back up after a crushing
August. What felt like this year’s final straw failed to completely finish me
and I got back in the fight. I give myself a lot of credit for the progress I
made. Although I couldn’t claim to have been winning, I was doing pretty well
in the wake of where I’d been.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">October was,
on the surface, a good month. Seasoned with plenty of reasons to celebrate
and/or feel good. A project came back to me with a big thumbs up from the editor
and minimal edits requested. So that was both welcome news and a pleasure to
work on, its completion one of the few achievements I can be proud of this
year. Worth a yay! for sure. Had a great time at a local beer festival, a
comedy gig the very next day, enjoyed some good films and TV, quality time with
friends – you know, normal healthy functioning life type stuff. Also worth a
yay!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Amid the
highs, there were distinct lows and a number of real struggles. Even when I was
doing okay, there was an undercurrent of a lack of confidence, perhaps worse
-<span> </span>the sense of moving forward on shaky
ground...</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Recently, I
saw in my Facebook feed that a friend was having a hard time in their fight
with the Black Dog. And I was set to write words of encouragement and support
in the comments. But the words kind of stopped in my virtual throat. I choked.
So I ended up just leaving a heart emoticon as a show of empathy and
understanding. On the face of it, that may appear a feeble and empty gesture,
but I can tell you that the 100 or so words I might’ve written were wrapped up,
embedded, in that trite little icon and they were sincere, well-meant and heartfelt.
For my friend.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">For me, the
words stopped because I seemed to run out of energy before I’d written them.
What actually exhausted was belief. Whatever I said, however I phrased it, it
was a message I no longer believed for myself.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It was a
little after that moment that I properly appreciated how far from winning I’d
been. And it was a little after that point that I carefully looked at what I
wanted to do before year’s end and examined that next to what I knew I was
capable of doing in the next two months. And it comes right back down to
something I’ve realised – and mentioned here – before.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Whatever you
consider realistic and achievable has to be re-eveluated and measured again in
the light of your health. Just as if you’d broken a leg, you’d probably scale
back on the number of marathons you’d planned to run in that twelve-month
period.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So here I
am, scaling back once more.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Which leaves
me with just the short story, which even I can manage – because it’s for
someone else and when others are depending on me I don’t let them down. It’s
only when I’m depending on me that letting down is even permissible.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Two months
shy of the end of this crappy year, I had only one other project on the cards
in any case. The novel, fifth in my Evil UnLtd series, was already delayed. Now
it’s struck from the To Do list. On the plus side, for various reasons I think
it will benefit from further postponement, even if right now I mostly see the
disappointment of another shelved project and another thing not achieved.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Back in
January, I was in a much better state and the year was full of promise. Since then,
so many projects, whether on the to-be-written list or even potential
publications, have been diminished, reduced, tainted, disintegrated, sunk
without trace, shelved or postponed. That’s hard to bear. I take responsibility
for some of the shelving and postponing, of course, since I decided to scale
back some of my aims and goals. Because I had to, quite simply. In the face of
everything else that was falling apart one way or another.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So this
latest step, likewise, amounts to cutting myself some slack. It probably reads
like defeatism. And it’s meant to. Because, like I said, defeat and retreat are
so hard to tell apart. I’m not sure I can trust a hundred percent which this
is, but I know which I mean it to be.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I’m not
going to sit at the water’s edge like King Cnut, denying the incoming tide. I’m
going to go relocate up to the lonely clifftop. Where the next two months will
be all about rebuilding, reorganising, preparing and laying a more solid
foundation for next year.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In order for
the writing to be any good, I have to focus on the writer for a while.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The
difference between a defeat and a strategic withdrawal is in how it’s
perceived. What feels and looks like defeat from one perspective might actually
be the smartest, wisest move to make.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">You win,
Black Dog. I give up.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Except, you
don’t. And I won’t.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">SAF 2016</span></span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-29720151826543712182016-09-30T07:45:00.005-07:002016-09-30T07:48:19.835-07:00Black Dog Dead - September<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5V8J-QRN-qj1P5NnkaBnwaBPG-rrRF8_tPSjW1g0P94tj3iT0YCWpbVs3rn3th7B7CCHQxNkLxI0Qc_lW8Bhww8-asXbsSlQRAz5GCO7Joz3CC4M9A60lrqMYuogVqpreB3JL/s1600/blackdoghelo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5V8J-QRN-qj1P5NnkaBnwaBPG-rrRF8_tPSjW1g0P94tj3iT0YCWpbVs3rn3th7B7CCHQxNkLxI0Qc_lW8Bhww8-asXbsSlQRAz5GCO7Joz3CC4M9A60lrqMYuogVqpreB3JL/s320/blackdoghelo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">I’ve spent
more of this year broken than I would have liked. Much more.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Especially a
large, long part of August that seemed to drag on forever. Now, the fact is, in
the scheme of a 365-day year, maybe it doesn’t add up to all that much. But
once again the extent to which I was broken skews my ability to measure such
things. It takes a conscious effort to adjust the scale.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Generally
when it comes to beating ourselves up, we’re straight in there with the boot.
But it takes an effort to be kind to ourselves. To stop and judge ourselves
more favourably.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Here we are
now at the end of September and I am recovering from my broken August, day by
day, but part of this month’s recovery process involved constant reminders of
how far behind I’d fallen with my planned work. Tough to escape that when
you’re getting yourself back on track and you’re coming face to face with how
much you have to do daily if you want to meet that deadline you’d set yourself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">As discussed
last month, some of that can be countered and remedied by paring back on your
ambitions. In my case, that has amounted to narrowing my focus down to the
single main project. Postponing other aims is hard and feels like failure, but
we just have to remember that we can protect ourselves to some degree by
separating what happens from how we react.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">As always
it’s a matter of control and while we can’t always control how we respond to anything,
we stand a much better chance of controlling that than we do of controlling the
things people do or say to us, or to just random shit chucked our way as part
of life’s rich tapestry.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">It’s up to
me to be satisfied with achieving what I achieve, instead of feeling
disappointed with what I’ve not managed. I’m not there yet, by any means, but
I’m conscious of it and I’m trying to catch the self-critical thoughts before
they sink their teeth in too deep. The best argument I can offer them will be
what I do achieve when I meet that self-imposed deadline for the much narrower
scope of ambition. If I can point to that by early November, then all that I
didn’t achieve in August will no longer matter in the slightest.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">That’s my
theory anyway.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">It amounts
to mental filing, really. With that (sort of) dealt with my principal challenge
for September was just handling the day to day. And I’m not sure where the idea
came from exactly, but I recall thinking about how much better I’d been doing
in January, despite the year starting so miserably for so many, with a number
of celebrity heroes dying on us, and I guess it occurred to me that I’d quite
like to celebrate those of my heroes who are still, thank goodness, in the
realm of the living.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">We’ve seen
too many photos in 2016 with the letters R.I.P. attached, after all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">So I made it
a daily practice to post a pic per day on Facebook of a personal hero of mine.
It’s a small, trivial exercise but it helped. Just reflecting on these figures
– in music, movies, TV, writing, whatever – and how they inspired me supplied a
spot of daily inspiration. Like a snack for fuel for the soul.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">There’s a
risk, of course, in sharing your heroes – or anything you like – online. Some
danger of trolls, people too quick to attack those things you treasure. And I
say that as a caution to more sensitive souls than me. I’m lucky, I have a
great collection of online friends and acquaintances, respecters of different
tastes and opinions.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">A sum total
of one idiot trolled in with an abusive remark about one of my heroes. But he’d
been on thin ice anyway, so that was his ticket to Blockland. If you’re plagued
by the Black Dog and you feel like trying something similar, just be aware that
these are your heroes, they’re for you and your own inspiration. They’re like
flags on your Facebook page or wherever, to wave you on for that day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">And if even
with that in mind you’re a little wary of sharing, then just make a note of
them, or have a picture of them for your background on your PC for that day. If
they’re musicians/singers, play one of their albums or a video they’ve done.
Actors, watch a movie or TV episode or scene from such. Youtube is your friend.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Might not do
anything for you. But it was a useful exercise for me throughout September. And
it was fun, thinking of 30 muses.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">What was not
fun was the old insomnia pattern. Which was just getting worse, to be honest.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Short of
knocking myself out every night, I have tried everything.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Or thought I
had.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Often, I’d
have such a crappy night I would get to about 3pm and feel a nap dragging at me
like quicksand. And I would generally try to resist because, for one, I would
usually wake from an afternoon nap feeling worse than when I’d zonked out, and
for two, it would only make the subsequent night worse.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">But one day
I thought sod it and gave in to the nap urge. And on that occasion I woke
feeling a bit better, a bit more alive anyway. And it occurred to me, why don’t
I split my days into two mini days.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">If I’m only
going to sleep half a night, I may as well have a shorter night and shorter
days.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">It’s still
relatively new, so I’m adjusting to this new cycle, but it has been showing
some benefits thus far. Packing myself off to bed around 1am, reading for a
short while, sleep – or time set aside for sleep anyway – until 6am, early
breakfast (aka first breakfast), so begins the first day of that day. Then a
scheduled sleeptime between 2pm-4pmish is followed by a second breakfast and
the beginning of a second mini-day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">It’s a bit
of psychological trickery, I guess, but I have found I do get a few hours sleep
at night and 1-2 hours during that daytime kip. So while you’re out there
having your Mondays and Tuesdays and so on, I’m just having my Monday As and
Monday Bs, Tuesday As and Tuesday Bs etc. It also enables me to break down the
day’s goals into smaller bite-size portions. And – so far – because I have
embraced the idea of those afternoon sleeps I’ve found I don’t wake so groggy
and worse for wear as when I fought it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">The days
aren’t equal halves, but I seem to be getting about 6 hours of sleep – or rest
anyway – per 24 hours, as opposed to my previous 4 if I was lucky.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">So a
combination of tricks has assisted me through the month of September and,
assuming I make the adjustment, I’ll keep going with the new sleep schedule
onwards into October.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Which
reminds me, it’s coming up to 2pm now.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">My second
bedtime.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">Goodnight.
See you tomorrow morning later today.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 115%;">SAF 2016</span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-76269818621864897682016-09-28T12:22:00.001-07:002016-09-28T12:24:55.486-07:00Stranger Things...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBj3JM-6LZOlq1odvLB1XtfjRf5QYNdrOZKkH5_1GnnZeYMu5Dk_FGRgvPITUNizB9u4KHNx1lv8aQdltXVsqAIZiO8OiGdFdV5XIDovsEtjDnjhu9TEq1JY4Z-xnLydejSNSM/s1600/Clare-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBj3JM-6LZOlq1odvLB1XtfjRf5QYNdrOZKkH5_1GnnZeYMu5Dk_FGRgvPITUNizB9u4KHNx1lv8aQdltXVsqAIZiO8OiGdFdV5XIDovsEtjDnjhu9TEq1JY4Z-xnLydejSNSM/s320/Clare-2.jpg" width="237" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">It’s rare you’ll find me in church, let alone on a Monday.
But Stranger Things Have Happened.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">That’s how I kicked off my week, at a concert in St-Giles-in-the-Fields,
London. There to see – and hear – <a href="http://www.claremaguire.com/home/" target="_blank">Clare Maguire</a>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">Back in the days when my parents used to force me and my
sisters to go to church, if they’d told us there was going to be a show like
that on instead of some dry priestly sermon we wouldn’t have kicked up such a
stink. I’m still an irreligious soul at heart, but concerts of this calibre
would confirm me as a regular churchgoer.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">The support act, identifying herself as Klara from Sweden
(check her out on Facebook) warmed us up with some hauntingly beautiful
numbers, one or two that would not have been out of place as themes for some of
the Nordic Noir crime dramas I’ve been watching lately, and then the main act
was something else.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">Solely on the strength of her Light After Dark album, I knew
Clare was an incredible singer – it’s why I travelled up to London to hear her.
But performing live, pared of production, turns out she’s even better than I
knew. There’s an almost gospel quality to her voice that sells every song with
power and emotion. Right at home, while bringing the roof down.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">This was the start of her tour to promote Stranger Things
Have Happened and due to circumstances beyond my control I hadn’t heard anything
of the new album. At other concerts where I’ve heard artists’ tracks for the
first time, the lack of familiarity has been known to create a degree of
distance or detachment, but something definitely resonated on this occasion
because every one of the new songs connected. Hit home – like bullets through
my bones, you might say.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Put it down to that rare conjunction of talent, performance
and a beautiful setting. This was my first visit to St Giles and it made for an
amazing venue, accommodating a modest but enthusiastic crowd. Especially when
Clare sent out for beer for the audience. Which maybe I shouldn’t have
mentioned, because people might expect that at every show. But it’s a good illustration
of the great sense of humour that seasoned the gig between songs and added to
the all round entertainment.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">Me, I didn’t avail myself of the beer – I had another train to
catch after the show and who needs an alcohol buzz when the music buzz is that
good – but I did stick around to say hello. And Clare took the time out for a
chat and sign a CD which were pretty much the icing on the cake of a very
worthwhile trip up from the remote reaches of Cornwall.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">All in all, a brilliant night and as I headed back home,
Clare was on her way to tour dates elsewhere, so if you happen to spot a poster
saying she’s appearing at a venue anywhere near you, I seriously recommend you
go treat yourself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">Might not be in a church. But it will be special.</span></span>SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-28733638029307103792016-08-29T07:35:00.000-07:002016-08-29T07:35:20.473-07:00Black Dog Dead - August<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHdD_Bwf94KoBQhkmNl6-0x67lr8NtaZGK6p0YEu9Mmm8oCC02RotakhaF6Thoex7IuBV9yvzGYFLUCQLu0Ivtyai0fPrMsRuwLzsDxRkY_MJu2VIcq7dGIvv944wv-okWM0PN/s1600/blackdoghelo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHdD_Bwf94KoBQhkmNl6-0x67lr8NtaZGK6p0YEu9Mmm8oCC02RotakhaF6Thoex7IuBV9yvzGYFLUCQLu0Ivtyai0fPrMsRuwLzsDxRkY_MJu2VIcq7dGIvv944wv-okWM0PN/s320/blackdoghelo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">You know
you’ve had a bad month when you find it a struggle to face your blog post on
the battle versus the Black Dog.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It’s not the
admission of defeat, so much – and after all, I’m here, I’m writing it, so it’s
not a defeat. It’s not a victory, either. But it’s not a defeat. It’s just that
so much of how we evaluate these things lies in how we feel. Even if that is
some distance from the truth.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">One truth is
that I feel defeated.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It doesn’t
help that the subject header is staring back at me, taunting me. Because back
in January I made the rash decision to title this, Black Dog Dead. My main aim
this year being in essence to bury the Black Dog. See, I’d made such good
progress last year that I felt I had moved on from the battle versus the Dog to
the issue of where to go from there, how to maintain the peace, so to speak,
after the war.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Mind you, I
didn’t kid myself it was actually over. But there was a sense of leaving the
worst behind and the will to rebuild.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And in
January of this year, I was – if not on a high – at my best. My biggest problem
that month was a series of strange confrontations with loneliness, born of the
unusual circumstances of having a lot of really good days and nobody to share
the good news with. Aside from those tearful spells (as much a result of a
still-too-recent separation as anything else) I was on a creative roll,
achieving loads and feeling good about myself.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Wind the
clock on eight months and I find it hard to fathom how I sank so low. But more
than that, it’s tough to figure out how or why I remained so low for so long.
Because one thing I had learned – and learned pretty darned well – was how to
cope with the setbacks, how to keep them in perspective, feel them, then bounce
back and move on. Damnit, I thought I had myself well-trained by now.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But – and I
take no pride in confessing this – all it took this month was a single
disappointment. Sure it related to something close to my heart, and it hurt,
but – and here’s the weird thing – it struck in amongst some good news on other
fronts. But while the good news was a hearty morale boost it proved only
temporary, while the Black Dog sensed weakness around the wound and sank its
teeth in deeper.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">My usual
coping mechanisms failed me. Worst of all, the most common NAT (Negative
Automatic Thought) known to plague me so much in the past – that dread question
that echoes up from the empty spaces inside, “What’s the point?”- became the
much more destructive and emphatic answer:</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">“There is no
point.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">For 10-14
days I wrestled with that. Lost bout after bout.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">After all my
talk the previous month of returns to Square One and knowing what to do,
something inside went AWOL.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I knew the
steps involved in fighting back. I knew what I needed to do. But I could not
motivate myself to do them. And I don’t know why. Sleep by and large abandoned
me altogether, which just added crushing fatigue to the mix. I was down to
existing and going through the motions of each day. All the while wondering why
I was bothering.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The best I
could manage was to sit down once or twice and plan out a carefully thought-out
programme for recovery. Only to watch that fall by the wayside day by day as I
failed to do any of the things planned.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I resorted
to social media a lot. Not to broadcast what was going on. Rather to maintain a
‘normal’ front. Engage in discussions, have a laugh, get angry at political
goings on, the suffering in the world et cetera. And people will warn you some
of that isn’t good for your health and sometimes they’d be right. But to be
honest, I think most of it was a useful diversion at least. Toys in the pram
when you’re not capable of doing much else.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Occasionally
they were more than a distraction. They acted as fuel. Anger at social
injustices or and the like could, of course, further compound despair, but at
least it ignited some energy within me. And jokes and conversations about
trivial crap like Doctor Who or some other TV I was watching by way of retreat,
well, beyond being fun they were a lifeline. Not exactly rocket fuel, but a
spur. Driving me, nudge by nudge, back to normalish health.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">If nothing
else, it amounted to something I could engage in. Better to feel a part of a
virtual world, if you can’t function especially well in the real one.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">From there,
I broke my days down into bite-size pieces. Things to do between social media
interactions. And yes, I fully appreciate how sad and pathetic that sounds. But
that’s why I’m confessing it here. Because I have to be okay with admitting to
sad and patheticness as a means of forgiving myself for sinking quite so low.
And arriving, ultimately, at the point where I know it is not in fact sad and
pathetic, but merely a necessary survival technique at the time.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">(It’s also
worth adding that I set myself a deadline of sorts: i.e. that I hadn’t lifted
myself out of the slump to some degree by the end of this month, then I would
go back to the doctor and seek help. And it was useful having that safety net
in mind. It emboldened me to at least try to turn things around myself.)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">A drowning
man grasping at straws may appear sad and pathetic to you and probably to him.
It’s desperation in action. But more important than anything else, it is
strength. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">At least he’s grasping.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Which brings
me around to the point I made at the beginning of this post.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">One truth is
that I feel defeated.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The other
truth is that this, writing this post here on a sunny Monday in my local café,
is a victory.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">To those who
hop out of bed and enjoy breakfast and look forward to whatever the day has in
store, it may be measured as a feeble sort of triumph. But on the scale that
some of us have to gauge by – which sometimes has to be measured minute to
minute, hour to hour – it’s a huge win.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Where I am
now – I’d estimate somewhere around Square Two – means more feeble/huge wins
will be required. But the fact that I set myself this task, wrote this post –
and if you’re reading it, I will have managed to post it online too – is a
surefire indicator that I have regained the will to take the steps required.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">That
‘There’s no point’ NAT has reverted to a nigglesome question at the back of my
brain.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">“What’s the
point?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">No idea. I
don’t have an answer ready for it. So I’m choosing to ignore it. Telling it to
to go away and, hopefully, not come back while I try to figure out an answer.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">For now, I
have a clear goal in mind. I’ve had to pare down my short-term ambitions
considerably and focus on a select handful of projects. And the terrible August
has put me behind schedule so I will have to be busier than I had planned for
the next couple of months.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">What I’m
hoping is that the busy-ness will help with the focus and drive. And for the
immediate future fend off that NAT with an answer.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The point,
for right now, is to get this, this and this done. Anything after that, come
back and ask me then and I’ll see if I have another answer for you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And of
course, by ‘you’ I mean myself.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">SAF 2016</span></span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-92049978991390971042016-08-13T06:54:00.001-07:002016-08-13T06:54:57.115-07:00Labour's Love Lost<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisB8pyD_wf7MEiPNOkQbWgPQIngIFbgcQcp6xXrc8CqoWJ2WDIuNMbVj6dMbshIxweg07v2Kin2lCaEDI2-jHi12B8RSd4MRPxm9Uwo0Y4K6UQRo6-Vw825ibmDFf3q4kFejlt/s1600/labourparty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisB8pyD_wf7MEiPNOkQbWgPQIngIFbgcQcp6xXrc8CqoWJ2WDIuNMbVj6dMbshIxweg07v2Kin2lCaEDI2-jHi12B8RSd4MRPxm9Uwo0Y4K6UQRo6-Vw825ibmDFf3q4kFejlt/s1600/labourparty.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Politics and
<b>Doctor Who</b> should not mix.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And yet
today I can’t help thinking about the latest developments in the Labour Party
in light of the 1970s Jon Pertwee story <i>Day
Of The Daleks</i>.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In that
story, you see, a bunch of time guerrillas travel back to assassinate a
diplomat they believe started a war and landed them in their present mess, but
ultimately their destructive efforts end up causing the catastrophe they hoped
to avert. And elements of the Labour party, without the benefit of having come
from the future, are achieving something very similar.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Armed with
no foreknowledge whatsoever, they have convinced themselves that Jeremy Corbyn
is unelectable and so they are attempting to blow up the party in order to
avert disaster, and in so doing have brought about the exact result they were
so desperate to prevent.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Well done.
Give those men an ice cream.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">They are
more delusional than the time guerrillas, however, in that they point to
Labour’s woeful slippage in the polls as evidence to support their actions.
Look, they say, at how disastrously Labour is doing against the Tories,
expecting us to overlook the correlation between the party’s death throes and
the point at which they hit the detonator.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">They are not
ignorant of their own responsibility. This is intentional, utterly deliberate.
Their delusion lies in perhaps forgetting that they shed some 5 million Labour
supporters during the course of their previous time in government, because so
few of us could tell the difference any more between them and the Tories. Their
delusion further lies in their apparent conviction that we are stupid.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">We aren’t.
Far from it.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Neither are
we Trots. Or thugs.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Don’t know
about you, but I’ve not personally been dubbed a Trot yet, but surely it must
only be a matter of time. I have, though, been accused of having my fingers in
my ears; I’ve seen more intelligent and articulate people than me being accused
of being blinkered; I’ve seen other intelligent people declare all Corbyn
supporters to be stupid, to be somehow fooling themselves. And there have been
even more ridiculous labels thrown this way.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It’s very
sad. What’s especially sad about it is that, you end up arguing with people
who, in theory, ought to share some of the same socialist values as yourself. As
I said to someone the other week, I miss the days when I just used to argue
with Tories.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It’s much
harder work and much more draining arguing around in circles with fellow Labour
supporters. And most of the time it’s not even that we support different Labour
parties. And the accusations sting all the greater because they are coming from
people I generally respect and admire.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Hence this
blog post, really. Because I’m unwilling to engage in that debate online any
further. It’s a pointless spiral that does nobody any good. And since I’ve been
unfairly accused of sticking my fingers in my ears, well, that is what I am
doing as of now. Unreasonable? Perhaps. But this is the fruit of persistent
assumptions and accusations etc.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Besides
which, my mind is made up and I may as well don those blinkers. What’s to be
gained from further discussion? What’s to be gained from reading further smears
of a man’s character? It’s not as if the opposing side has anything to say much
beyond ‘We don’t like Jeremy Corbyn.’</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">See, it’s
not even about Jeremy Corbyn versus Owen Smith.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSSljU_3OdceFBVP2kWhCrw_trcofqg2dCjoPckFelhb6Vq6vs2zkydjiTW8M8rVVS0u_70hcT4LSMrmyoChifYpVUcARe7NMJQKwZyfs5Ji70GYXxFSDlM-pwffbZybsaUdSu/s1600/Corbyn01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSSljU_3OdceFBVP2kWhCrw_trcofqg2dCjoPckFelhb6Vq6vs2zkydjiTW8M8rVVS0u_70hcT4LSMrmyoChifYpVUcARe7NMJQKwZyfs5Ji70GYXxFSDlM-pwffbZybsaUdSu/s320/Corbyn01.jpg" width="296" /></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It’s about
Corbyn or Not-Corbyn. That’s what this Labour Party leadership election boils
down to in the end.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Because I’ve
not seen any of my most ardent anti-Corbyn friends actually champion Smith. And
why would they? What is there to actually champion? Surely if Jeremy Corbyn is
all the things his opponents claim, then the alternative put forward should be
a candidate possessed of all the qualities they maintain that Corbyn lacks.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Jeremy is
unelectable. Sorry, I’m not detecting some superior electability in Smith.
Maybe you see it, I don’t. Jeremy’s leadership is characterised by
incompetence. All I’ve seen from the opposing campaign camp are staggering
levels of incompetence and farce. Jeremy doesn’t wear a suit and tie. At the
outset, Smith was seen tieless, in his shirtsleeves, trying to look cool.
Rallies of ten thousand people don’t win elections, he says, while addressing
crowds of a hundred. Then asking to speak at Corbyn’s rallies of thousands.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Practically
the first words out of Owen Smith’s mouth as he launched his campaign were,
“I’m normal.” What kind of statement is that? Is that intended to persuade me
to sit up and take notice? That this, perhaps, is a man who is so much more
electable than Jeremy Corbyn. Owen is normal. Okay. Not sure what I’m meant to
do with that. You should be declaring yourself to be exceptional, mate. Or,
better yet, demonstrating it rather than telling us.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Owen Smith
has also stated, “I’m as radical as Jeremy Corbyn.” But it’s no use just
adopting policy promises and paying lip service to socialism if nobody believes
you’ll actually deliver on them. Sorry, but we live in an age where much of
what you said is on record and freely distributed around the internet, along
with your actual voting record. We can compare and contrast your statements with
your intentions. In the past, politicians enjoyed far greater freedom, I
imagine, to tell us one thing and do another. Now, not so much. Even if
memories are short, Google has a long reach.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Jeremy
Corbyn is a personality cult. Well, we can’t accuse Owen Smith of that. But the
impression I get is that the anti-Corbyn crowd is in essence an
anti-personality cult. They simply do not want Corbyn. Which is fair enough,
but I’m not seeing a dislike of the man as any better than or in some way a
superior stance to take than liking the man.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And I’m told
that other potential leaders might be waiting in the wings, but they dare not
put themselves forward for fear of the flak and abuse they might have to
endure. Well, come on in, the water’s toxic. Jeremy Corbyn has been swimming
those waters for nigh-on a year. And he’s withstood more abuse and smears than
anyone. Honestly, if you’re a better leader than him, if you’re more
prime-ministerial than Owen Smith, why aren’t you out on the battlefield
standing up for what you believe and enduring whatever gets thrown at you like
an actual leader would be? Where are you? Because it’s beginning to look like
Owen Smith isn’t intended to be leader at all. It’s beginning to look like he’s
just some stand-in, some decoy to take the flak before the intended successor
takes over. Which kind of paints the mysterious intended successor as a bit of
a coward and not much of a leader in the scheme of things.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">This,
unfortunately for all the chicken-coup crowd, makes Corbyn look even better in
comparison.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But for my
part, it’s not even just about being pro-Corbyn. This is about so much more. It
is, for one, about what he stands for.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">These, for
example, are the ten pledges Jeremy has set out in his leadership bid:</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Ten Pledges</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.jeremyforlabour.com/10_pledges">http://www.jeremyforlabour.com/10_pledges</a></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">An economy
that works for all</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Secure homes
for all</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Security at
work</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Secure our
NHS and social care</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Free
national education service</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Democracy in
our economy</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Cut income
and wealth inequality</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Act to end prejudice
and injustice</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Peace and
justice abroad.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">He’s also
talked about parity for mental health alongside physical health, and that’s an
issue close to my heart. As well as – at the rally – issues specific to our
region. All of which will be part of the message we will need to convey across
the country once this leadership election is resolved.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Anyway, that’s
the kind of politics he stands for. There’s not much I can see in there to
which reasonable people could object. And I happen to believe Corbyn can
deliver them. I trust him. I happen to believe he is eminently electable. I
want a PM who believes in a fairer, more equal society, where we actually care
about the poor and socially disadvantaged, those less fortunate than ourselves,
whatever position we’re in. Those are the values I stand for and those are the
values I would like to see represented in government.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Of course,
I’ve been told that 29% of Labour supporters would rather see Theresa May than
Jeremy Corbyn as PM. Nobody has said how Owen Smith stacks up against our anti
Human Rights, Snoopers Charter PM. But in any case that statistic speaks far
greater volumes about the kind of Labour supporters they must be than anything
it purports to say about Jeremy Corbyn. They appear not to take into account
what May stands for – which is everything the Labour Party should oppose, heart
and soul and tooth and nail.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Beyond that,
it has come to be about more even than Corbyn and his values. It has also come
to be about the values apparently held by his opponents within the PLP
(Parliamentary Labour Party) and the NEC (National Executive Committee). The
tactics that have been employed have been a disgrace, offensive to members and
damaging to both the public perceptions of the party and to the core democratic
principles on which the party was founded.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">While I
respect the right of the NEC to set the rules for its own internal elections, you
cannot take membership monies on the written understanding – as advertised on
the website – of their right to take part in leadership elections and then
withdraw that right. That is false advertising, taking money under false
pretences.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">If the move
was to guard against entryism, well, nobody between Jan 12<sup>th</sup> and
June 24<sup>th</sup> knew there was a leadership election pending – nobody
except the coup plotters anyway, who may have been planning the move for some
time. A fair cut-off would have been the date at which the leadership election
was announced, but for starters the website should have been amended promptly
to reflect that.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">As for the
£25 registered supporter fee, that remains an outrage, utterly at odds with the
principles of fairness the party is supposed to uphold. That’s a third to a
half of a week’s income for those on benefits and a sizeable chunk of change to
those on low incomes, now set as the price of a vote in a leadership election
in the party for working people. My blood still boils at that one.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But
apparently, the party wasn’t satisfied with driving my blood to boiling point.
No. Because a group of intrepid Labour members went to court to fight the NEC
ruling on that cut-off date and they won... briefly. The NEC was awarded the
right to appeal and they took the opportunity to place themselves in the
absolutely ridiculous and offensive situation of using members’ money to fight
to exclude members from the democratic process.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In the same
week, deputy leader insulted all those youngsters so recently engaged with
politics by launching into wild conspiracy theories about Trots (Trotskyites)
intimidating young voters into supporting Corbyn.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And I’ll not
say what I want to say at that point. Because a) we are looking to pursue a
gentler, kinder politics and b) I purposefully postponed writing this blog post
so that I might stand some chance of getting all the way through without using
swear words.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So just
imagine a few paragraphs here peppered with choice profanities. That should
give some impression of my anger without causing undue offence to sensitive
eyes and ears.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">As
heartening as attending that rally was last Saturday, this week’s events have
been proportionately disheartening.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So whatever
I think of Corbyn and his values is, while by no means immaterial, just a
partner to what I think of those in the party who have set out to destroy him.
You could replace Owen Smith with St Frances of Assisi or Marilyn Monroe right
now and I still wouldn’t vote for them. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">If this is
the approach chosen to demonstrate electability, competence and a party in
touch with the electorate then it is a woeful failure. At a time when the
membership is at a high and when we should be focused on attacking the Tories,
the party has effectively made enemies of its own members. Showing levels of
contempt and incompetence only rivalled by their supportive movement’s command
of irony in calling itself ‘Saving Labour’.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">They come
not to save Labour, but to bury it.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Whatever
emerges, if allowed to emerge in their hands, may bear the name, but it will
not be Labour. That alone is enough to commit me to the Corbyn campaign.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Declaring
someone unelectable does not make it so. What it does is make me want to work
towards getting that someone elected. So much more so when people call me
stupid, so much more so when the opposition employs low tactics. Because I hate
to break it to you there in the PLP, but if you’re questioning someone’s
electability then you really need to prove your ability to win elections fair
and square. Because, as a rule, you don’t get to win General Elections by
excluding groups of voters.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">When this is
all over and when Corbyn has been elected a second time to the party leadership
it is my hope that we can get on with the business of opposing a Tory
government.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Whatever
others decide to do in that eventuality is up to them, but I hope we can
discuss our options, our approach, strategy and tactics together with a united
aim. Because in terms of policy and values at least I believe we can find
plenty of common ground.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It’s a long
and difficult road back from here and already there’s a great deal of damage to
be repaired – and this pointless and unnecessary fight isn’t over for another
month or more.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Until then,
I’ll be saving my breath because I’ve said all I want to say and I’ll need my
energies for when we return to fighting Tories. I've no energy or desire to argue any more with friends. And if there are any arguments
to be had, given their tendency to be circular anyway, I’ll just send you back
here. Like a time loop.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But
hopefully one of a more constructive nature.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZnBanyFQjMc7Q5fffgveR9HVd9C-kL7VxsvwMTapDfd-MiFV3ibhXmAo6osp_q9tYwpHg4CRmk4uiEnwzicdq92I31TBevwVUfKVIoHjmdr6X3NSzN52jJueBt5FdeCZmeStz/s1600/dotd02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZnBanyFQjMc7Q5fffgveR9HVd9C-kL7VxsvwMTapDfd-MiFV3ibhXmAo6osp_q9tYwpHg4CRmk4uiEnwzicdq92I31TBevwVUfKVIoHjmdr6X3NSzN52jJueBt5FdeCZmeStz/s1600/dotd02.jpg" /></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">SAF 2016</span></span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-45313148020912611352016-07-31T05:42:00.001-07:002016-07-31T05:42:44.982-07:00Black Dog Dead - July<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjubPQ1cVY2Q6fYRWxnArO01kOxwrH0GmvyH4RgXxDFVw212I_-2wYj-id98h9TZpz3gsdP3Y2FboxjxRwMvQph6G8IJ3DQgBUgvHwfSjBR17rBh7Cbkcg8TSJWi0rENXGKjbos/s1600/blackdoghelo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjubPQ1cVY2Q6fYRWxnArO01kOxwrH0GmvyH4RgXxDFVw212I_-2wYj-id98h9TZpz3gsdP3Y2FboxjxRwMvQph6G8IJ3DQgBUgvHwfSjBR17rBh7Cbkcg8TSJWi0rENXGKjbos/s320/blackdoghelo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Snakes and
ladders.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">You roll the
dice, you move. If you’re lucky you climb, if not you fall.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In life,
your moves are not left purely to random chance. As much as it may feel that
way some days, it’s not true. You have a great deal of control and choice over
how you approach your day. It’s just that you have to accept that your control
doesn’t extend to some of the random shit that can cross your path.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The month of
June for me was something of a lesson in realising the limits of what I can and
cannot control, the extent to which I can change the world, for instance (hint:
it’s a very small amount), and a reminder to scale things back and focus
primarily on my own smaller world. To make differences where they could be seen
and measured and felt.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Charity
begins at home is the commonly trotted-out phrase. I don’t particularly
subscribe to that view, but the fight versus the Black Dog definitely does.
Hence, after June’s political warfare and the EU referendum fallout, it was
good to adjust the focus to me and my immediate world.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">As
depressing (small d) as it is to be a socialist right now, July is a month
which comes with an annual feature known as a birthday and while I know age can
be as depressing (small d) as politics for some, I’m not generally one to feel
the negative effects. Far from it, I go all out to celebrate and award myself a
good few days – maybe as much as a week – with only as much work as I feel like
doing. And this year I even gave myself a week off any discussion of politics
on social media.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I’m not
saying it was easy exactly. A writer’s holidays never are, in my experience. Not-writing
is the toughest of all the writerly disciplines by far. The brain keeps working
even if the fingers are denied their keyboard and I usually end up making
notes, jotting down ideas and plotting out plots. Word doodling. But such
work-related non-work activities are liberally seasoned with plenty of R&R,
a few treats and an evening or two out. So it all still qualifies as a break.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Staying away
from politics had its own share of challenges. Shit happened. Quite a lot of
farcical shit that begged for comment. I resisted, dear reader. I did at times
feel like Chandler in Friends that time when he declared he was no longer going
to use humour as a defence mechanism. By the end of the ordeal, the poor guy
was bursting with jokes. But I survived the whole seven days.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">All in all,
they were the best of times, they were the healthiest of times. Friends,
presents, alcohol, a trip to the cinema, more friends. General birthday sorts
of things. From my perspective that counts as a lot of ladders.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And while we
can’t afford to be reliant on boosts from external sources, much of what we
gain from these kinds of assists are down to us. In the first place, it’s a question
of being open to social opportunities and the like. In the second, a great deal
is down to how much of ourselves we invest in them and the value we attach to
them. Which is to say, it’s not just a case of whether or not you count your
blessings, but how much you count them. So rest assured I welcomed every smile,
every joke, every hug, conversation and birthday wish and banked the lot.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Heck, I even
got quite a bit out of a solo trip to the cinema to see the latest Star Trek
movie and I don’t even like Star Trek.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">All this
atmosphere of positivity was a great foundation for resuming my usual work
schedule the following week and I made a good start on the following Monday.
Awesome.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And if
all<span> </span>that sounds too good to be true and
you know what’s coming, then you’d sort of be right. But only sort of.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Because
there were no specific snakes lurking in my path.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Rather, it
was just plain old (chronic) tiredness that tripped me up in the end.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Insomnia is
another big enemy of mine, has been for years. Possibly some relation to the
Black Dog, but one connection I know there is lies in the dangers of an
exhausted mind. Four nights straight of some of the worst sleep (or lack) I’ve
known and my defences were seriously down. The usual guards against NATs
(Negative Automatic Thoughts) were dozing on duty and by the fourth day it took
very little to creep in and weaken the structural integrity. So little, I
couldn’t even tell you now the thought or incident that triggered it. Whatever
it was, I crumbled, majorly.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Now, I give
myself credit: I responded pretty well – eventually. Indulgent as it sounds,
after a week off for my birthday, I awarded myself some days off – to rest,
remove any sense of pressure to do anything and basically take a step back and
take a breather. Mostly resorted to some TV and listening to music (a chance to
enjoy some of those birthday presents), very small chores at home to provide
microscopic senses of achievement with minimal cost in effort. Afternoon naps
were permitted. When I was feeling a bit more like myself, I made myself go out
and spend a little time with one of my favourite people. Stepped it up
gradually to a half-day of writing and the slightly more major chore of
laundry.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">These steps
will all sound like stupid things to many, but they are what winning looks like
when the Black Dog strikes so viciously as it did on this occasion. And they’re
not a natural cause for great pride, but I have to allow myself to feel a
degree of pride in achieving such small victories. Again, the value of such
things comes down to whatever value you attach to them.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">You got up
and had breakfast on Tuesday? That’s either ‘no big deal’ or ‘bloody well done
you’. You ran the hoover around the living room on Wednesday? ‘So what’ or
‘high five!’. You washed the dishes on Thursday? ‘Slow hand clap’ or ‘round of
applause’. The difference is in your power to decide. Never mind what others
think, others who might manage these things without a second’s thought. To you,
if they’re a struggle and you do them, then they’re huge.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And if you
don’t? If they seem too big a mountain to climb? Fine-tune your scale. Your own
huge victories may have to be a bit smaller for a while. But they’re yours and
you set the scale. You’re the only one who has any say in how they are
measured.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">That much, I
have learned. And I’m not the fastest of learners, it must be fessed up.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">There were
other lessons I learned from those four days of rebuilding me. One, that while
I share my experiences online because I believe wholeheartedly that there
should be no stigma attached to issues of mental health, I recognise that part
of me is seeking to shame myself into action. I do feel some shame as a
Depressive (big D) and feel like I should be stronger than I clearly am.
Rationally, I recognise that as part of the disease. Same as, even now as I
write this, part of me is thinking not of how I used those four days to good
effect in putting myself back on my feet – but how I’ve lost four days in what
ought to have been my working schedule.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But these
are the traps that our that our thoughts are prone to fall into. More pesky
NATs that hover around in the wake of the Black Dog like flies around shit.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The fact is,
we are back on the board. And even if we’re a little scared of rolling the
dice, we can move forward one space at a time.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">There will
be snakes and there will be ladders. No matter how far you progress, Square One
is only one slide away. And that’s frightening.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But we know
the steps involved in getting back up.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">SAF 2016</span></span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-75470465765144582242016-07-01T04:59:00.001-07:002016-07-01T04:59:05.020-07:00Black Dog Dead - June<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjubPQ1cVY2Q6fYRWxnArO01kOxwrH0GmvyH4RgXxDFVw212I_-2wYj-id98h9TZpz3gsdP3Y2FboxjxRwMvQph6G8IJ3DQgBUgvHwfSjBR17rBh7Cbkcg8TSJWi0rENXGKjbos/s1600/blackdoghelo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjubPQ1cVY2Q6fYRWxnArO01kOxwrH0GmvyH4RgXxDFVw212I_-2wYj-id98h9TZpz3gsdP3Y2FboxjxRwMvQph6G8IJ3DQgBUgvHwfSjBR17rBh7Cbkcg8TSJWi0rENXGKjbos/s320/blackdoghelo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Come on,
Black Dog, make up your mind. Are you IN or OUT?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Now, I’m
sure I’ve talked before about how ideally I’d love to better manage my
emotional reactions to the news, the world of politics and so on, and if ever
there was a month to test my progress in that quarter, June 2016 was it.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So how’d I
do?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In some
respects, hopelessly badly. In others, pretty damned well.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">For the most
part, my personal focus this month was on one goal: completing edits on my
Lethbridge-Stewart novel and submitting the MS on time to the editor at Candy
Jar Books. That was the be all and end all on the work front and I must confess
other things did slide – household chores neglected, social life (what’s that?)
and general R&R.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">If at times
the editing marathon looked too packed and too daunting, I broke it down into
short sprints. Even as little as half an hour, short break, half an hour, short
break, through the afternoons and some evenings. It enabled me to largely
ignore the big hill I had to climb and focus on the details, making the task
easier to approach and, I hope, benefiting the writing.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And I did
it.<span> </span>Goal achieved. Hats off, hurrah,
well done me and I remembered to award myself some R&R after it was done.
Actually, I had more days off than I’d intended. I meant to move fairly quickly
on to resuming writing on Evil UnLtd Vol 5 and did get to work on some notes
and plotting, scribbling ideas here and there, but my creative brain demanded
more rest and for once I gave into its demands.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I’m
learning!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">As with May,
the busy daily timetable didn’t leave a great deal of room for contemplating my
mental state. I continued my habit of the weekly morning swim and that remains
beneficial, although I still have an occasional struggle just getting myself to
that pool and there are feelings of anxiety and isolation that surface now and
again during the swim. But I know the benefits and keep going. And I think it’s
generally fair to say that if you’re not stopping to think about it, if you’re <i>doing</i>, then at the very least you have
generated a revolving door which really confuses the crap out of the Black Dog
and keeps the bastard out for a while.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Still,
without adopting a completely hermitic lifestyle it’s impossible to shut out
the world altogether. And in any case, if we care at all, we shouldn’t when
there is an opportunity to have our say in a national democratic decision.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So I
followed the EU referendum campaign as best I could in between the workathon. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">What a
horror show.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Worse
because quite apart from the main feature it put me in touch with other world news. And in the midst of
some of the basest level debate I’ve had the displeasure to witness, there came
reports of shootings. Mass murder in Orlando and the murder of Jo Cox MP. And
because I’ve yet to become inured to such things, it’s fair to say there was
some sense of despair and hopelessness colouring my world view as the debate
marched on towards June 23<sup>rd</sup>.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Obviously,
discussion of the politics belongs mostly elsewhere and believe me I did my
share. Suffice to say, I was deeply disappointed by certain aspects of the
campaign going on before my eyes – lies, misinformation, ignorance, racism –
and further dismayed by the result. Oops, just gave away which side of the
fence I was on. Oh well. But in this context, it’s irrelevant. Because the
country today is full of Remainers and Brexiters who live in a world of
uncertainty and anxiety and some of us, whichever way we voted, were already
suffering with mental health issues.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I don’t mind
telling you, on Friday 24<sup>th</sup> June I was depressed.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Yeah, I was
gutted, like any person would be, waking up to bad news. And I got angry and I
vented on social media and all the rest.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But, and
here’s the thing, this wasn’t Depression with a capital, clinical D.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">We know the
difference when the Black Dog strikes. I especially knew the difference because
it did strike a few days later, on the following Tuesday. Yeah, that’s the day
we went from ordinary old-fashioned blues to when the Black Dog voted itself
IN.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Now, I know
there were several contributing factors that just converged and became too
much. Thinking back I can even recall the stages throughout that day combining
to tip me over and sink me into a deep dark pit.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And I think
that’s quite significant, because so many times before I have been totally
unable to tell anyone why I’m feeling Depressed, to identify a triggering
incident or chain of incidents. Often when you are dragged along in an undertow
of emotion, it’s easy to lose sight of the source.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I’m hoping
that I can retain some measure of that awareness and be alert for warning signs
in future.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Anyway,
what’s even more important is that I came through and emerged on the other
side. Not exactly a ray of sunshine today as I write this – partly cloudy,
might best describe my state of mind. But once again we have kicked the Black
Dog out and if there is any depression lingering then it has shed its capital,
clinical D for now.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">How did I
battle my way through?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Well, I
didn’t put up a fight, I can tell you that much.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Gave in to
it. Gave up, even. Allowed myself to crash, then slowly hauled myself out of
the wreckage the following day, when I was ready. You have to be real careful
when moving an accident victim.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In practical
terms, what it amounted to was extending a break I was already supposed to be
on after completing my novel. A planned couple of days off became three or
four, carrying me right up to the end of June. Indulgent, but necessary.
Carrying on with a few scribbled notes, just to let the imagination play and
help me feel like I wasn’t quite out of the game altogether, combined with
being kind to myself – a dash of comfort telly, a spot of video gaming,
watching some tennis highlights, general vegging, curling up under a blanket
and/or a cat, much like you would if you were ill. Which I was, of course.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And thanks
to a bit of good timing on the part of the calendar this convalescent spell was
nicely tailed off with an evening out for a mate’s birthday, right at the end
of the month. Can’t say I was in the best spirits for partying at the outset,
but I recognised the need for it and went out and took my medicine. And it did
the trick.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">After a
brief and untidy and highly disorganised campaign, I voted the Black Dog OUT
again. Hurray!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And here we
are, next day, beginning of July. Another fresh start in a sense, where I’m
reminded of my limitations and know how to proceed for the next thirty-one
days.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Yes, we can
change the world, but it’s a question of scale. You do what you can and that is
all you can do. And sometimes if it looks hopeless or pointless, well, the only
thing you can do is focus on yourself and your small world, where you can see
and measure the differences you make.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Result.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">SAF 2016</span></span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-75522910105219654252016-06-01T07:19:00.000-07:002016-06-01T07:19:28.072-07:00Black Dog Dead - May<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjubPQ1cVY2Q6fYRWxnArO01kOxwrH0GmvyH4RgXxDFVw212I_-2wYj-id98h9TZpz3gsdP3Y2FboxjxRwMvQph6G8IJ3DQgBUgvHwfSjBR17rBh7Cbkcg8TSJWi0rENXGKjbos/s1600/blackdoghelo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjubPQ1cVY2Q6fYRWxnArO01kOxwrH0GmvyH4RgXxDFVw212I_-2wYj-id98h9TZpz3gsdP3Y2FboxjxRwMvQph6G8IJ3DQgBUgvHwfSjBR17rBh7Cbkcg8TSJWi0rENXGKjbos/s320/blackdoghelo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">What with
one thing and another, I’ve been too busy this month to think about depression.
Why, I barely have time to dash off this blog post. But I’m going to squeeze it
into the schedule because, if nothing else, I find it helpful to processs the
last month before moving on to the next.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Actually, I
say one thing and another, May has really been about one thing. Owing to
various external pressures and life-torpedoes, I’d left myself too much to do
on one project, one that has an actual deadline, and rather than do the
unthinkable and request an extension I figured the only way to go was to just
juggle the timetable, postpone other projects (heck, I even put my weekly
Tortenschloss Chronicles on hold, and I never like doing that) and focus
exclusively on the main one.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It’s unlike
me, because I generally welcome variety. I find it useful, for example, if I
get temporarily stuck or inspiration dries up on one thing to be able to just
switch to whatever else is currently in the works and keep going.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Keeping
going is good, but it can also create problems. Days tended to blur together
even more than usual this mad month, with only weekly routines like my
Wednesday morning swim (still going strong!) and the Thursday night pub quiz to
help me tell the days apart. The concept of weekends has been long forgotten.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">You pack
yourself off to bed thinking about which chapters/scenes you’ll be working on
tomorrow, you lie awake thinking about the same, when you do sleep you dream
about it and your subconscious totally screws with your carefully laid plots
and then you get yourself up and try to remember where you were, then press on
with the day’s leg of the Great Writing Race.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">At least in
the face of the Mountain Of Stuff To Do I was able to apply some lessons
previously learned. That is, if a task seems on the daunting side, break it
down into manageable pieces and tackle those pieces one individually, try not
to think about the Mountain, just one handhold/foothold at a time.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In this
case, that meant setting myself daily wordcount quotas and breaking those down
further: for instance, on a ‘heavy’ day, a couple of hours at the cafe, an hour
after lunch, break, another hour, break, another hour, dinner plus a spot of
TV, an hour and a half in the evening, break, then another hour or so to finish
off. Lighter days would balance that schedule out to some extent.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">There were
days that I didn’t feel like doing anything, but that wasn’t an option. On the
flip side, there were days that went really well and I met my quota ahead of
schedule. There, I had to be a little wary and I’d generally not allow myself
to go over my quota, the trick being to avoid burnout the following day.
Discipline was key.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Where that
discipline sometimes did me no favours was in the matter of leisure time. I’d
occasionally polish off the day’s work, find myself with free time (what?) and
be utterly stuck as to what to do with it. Empty hours and a total inability to
decide what I felt like doing. Film? No. TV? Don’t fancy it. Video game? Meh.
Read? God no, my eyes are so bloody tired.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">As though
I’d locked my brain into work gear and it was the only thing it knew.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">My epic
journey through old Doctor Whos continued, with an episode to accompany
breakfast, and I had series to follow (The Expanse, Orphan Black) one episode
per day with dinner, but any available time outside of that routine was
difficult and sometimes scary. Later in the month, I chanced across the game
Life Is Strange on special offer and that offered a bit of rationed escapism
that restored my enjoyment of video games at least. Playing music good and loud
was also a helpful release and this month I journeyed through my complete
collection of Yes – which is pretty affirmative.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">There were
also times when I stopped when there would be tears. I guess just a release of
stress and built up emotion, which is to be expected. There was perhaps one
major low and that was provoked by having to complete my tax credits renewal
form, a task I’d put off and put off because I knew what it would entail.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It’s an easy
form to fill, not many boxes to tick or fill in, but one of them pertains to
your self-employed income. And I confess, having to put that ZERO in really
fucking hurt. All the familiar plague of Negative Automatic Thoughts returned,
including my archenemy, “What’s the point?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Yeah, that
day was a battle. And I slipped behind schedule.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But somehow
I got back on my skates and caught up, actually had a really successful and
productive day the very next day. I couldn’t tell you how, with any certainty,
but I can only assume it had something to do with the compartmentalisation.
I.e. because I’d broken down the month into manageable segments, it was a matter
of sort of throwing away yesterday’s broken piece and getting on with the
following day’s share.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Anyway, there in a wordy nutshell is my month
of May.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In some
respects, the level of busy-ness proved helpful, but it can be something of a
carpet that problems get swept under. At the end of it all, I am able to say I
dunnit. The project is complete, to first draft, and so I’m able for June to
just address edits before submitting to the editor – within deadline, yay! –
and have room to return to those other projects which had to wait so patiently
in the background.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">For that,
self-congratulations are due. And I firmly believe that’s something we should
never be afraid of – to give ourselves credit, even a big shiny medal and a
glass of something to celebrate, why not. Given how much we beat ourselves up
for the things we don’t manage, we owe ourselves that.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">My main
reward though at the end of all that, is to reintroduce that concept of
weekends into my routine. Doesn’t have to be a full two days, nor does it have
to necessarily be on a Saturday/Sunday, but I think one day per week where I
give myself permission to switch off my brain will be truly valuable.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Before any
of that, though, and because I promised myself this as far back as May 1<sup>st</sup>
when I broke that Mountain up into bite-size chunks, June will commence with
*THREE* *DAYS* *OFF*</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Amen to
that.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">SAF 2016</span></span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-38286497961141629912016-04-29T05:22:00.002-07:002016-04-29T05:22:52.034-07:00Black Dog Dead - April<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjubPQ1cVY2Q6fYRWxnArO01kOxwrH0GmvyH4RgXxDFVw212I_-2wYj-id98h9TZpz3gsdP3Y2FboxjxRwMvQph6G8IJ3DQgBUgvHwfSjBR17rBh7Cbkcg8TSJWi0rENXGKjbos/s1600/blackdoghelo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjubPQ1cVY2Q6fYRWxnArO01kOxwrH0GmvyH4RgXxDFVw212I_-2wYj-id98h9TZpz3gsdP3Y2FboxjxRwMvQph6G8IJ3DQgBUgvHwfSjBR17rBh7Cbkcg8TSJWi0rENXGKjbos/s320/blackdoghelo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Last month,
I talked mostly about anger and its debilitating effects. Although still a
clear and present danger, especially in that the root causes don’t appear to be
in any hurry to uproot and plant themselves elsewhere, I’ve met with some
success in managing that emotional response better.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And while my
fifth <b>Evil UnLtd</b> book remains in the
works, I do have somewhere I can redirect and channel any politically motivated
anger in a more positive and humorous outlet. Well, at least the few segments
of that I wrote this month made me chuckle and that has to count for something.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Creatively
speaking, April’s focus has been on other projects. Two main ones, along with
some bits and pieces on the side. And work has progressed through the usual mix
of good days and bad days. Much as you’d expect.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In
reflecting on such a normal unexceptional month, I’m conscious of three factors
that stand out in the context of their effects on my mental health. One of
which is probably more damaging than last month’s anger, but there are two
which, I’m glad to say, have been of significant benefit.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Within the
first week of the month I managed to self-publish a collection of short fantasy
stories (<b>The Tortenschloss Chronicles</b>,
currently available for Kindle, folks, plug plug plug) and, in that spirit of
celebrating the small victories that I’ve discussed before, deserved a pat on
the back just for achieving that and for meeting the deadline I’d set myself.
Yay!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But just as
the act of submitting a manuscript to agents and publishers comes with the
inherent and unfortunately likely risk of rejection, the act of self-publishing
and the necessary self-promotion that follows comes with its own set of risks.
Chief among them being releasing your labour of love to a deafening chorus of
indifference.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Yeah, that’s
a slap in the face.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Frankly,
it’s heartbreaking.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">When your
advertising budget is zero, social media is one of your few avenues for
promotion and it’s seriously disheartening to see posts relating to your pet
project go ignored and unshared by 99% of your online followers, contacts and
friends.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Obviously, my huge heartfelt appreciation goes out to the 1%. Many
many thanks to them.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But it’s
worth clarifying, this is not about that vast majority. Everyone leads busy
lives and it’s fully possible such posts go unnoticed in a lot of people’s
timelines and twitter streams and what have you. I daresay I miss loads from
others and for that, what can I say, I apologise.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">This is
purely and simply about how it affects me.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">This, in many
respects more hurtful than the persistent rejection from agents and publishers
that was such a feature of the traditional publishing approach, is tremendous
nourishment for the Black Dog. It invites that worst of NATs <span> </span>– my old enemy, “What’s the point?” – right
back in to take up residence. And my brain does a little danse macabre around
the notion of quitting altogether.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Yeah. It’s
probably one of the highest-yield fuels for giving up that I’ve encountered in
recent years. And that’s hard, because my writing is me, it’s my life, and
ultimately its purpose, its raison d’etre, like mine, is to be read. If it’s
not, then I’m living in a vacuum.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">What’s
especially frightening about that life-hurdle is that for right now I have no
answer. All I have is to keep going – keep writing – in hopes of different
results. And that, my friends, is close to the definition of insanity.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So, yes,
April had its unhelpful share of black days. Days of derailing that, despite my
having skated close to getting all caught up, put me right back to behind
schedule. With the sense of constantly chasing just to get nowhere.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Scary.
Although fast-approaching deadlines is at least a terror I can deal with. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Applying a little temporal juggling, pushing back a few projects by a couple of
months I’ve at least made the weeks ahead look more manageable. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Luckily, the
actual horror days were few. Not something that could be said to have
characterised my whole month. They were a significant and worrying feature and
a pitfall I have to be very much aware of – not least because I have to come up
with some sort of answer to them. Some better way of dealing with them. Ideas
on a postcard, please.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Countering
them were those factors that lifted me and helped keep me afloat. Factors that,
now that I come to write about them, strike me as the simplest, trifling
things. They’re not actual trifles, mind you. I didn’t binge on puddings. Tried that before, you just get fat and depressed.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">First and
foremost has been my weekly morning swim. Every Wednesday morning, I’ve been
hauling my insomnia-heavy carcass out of bed and dragging it up the hill to the
local leisure centre to go several lengths of the pool. It’s been a daunting
adjustment and many a Wednesday morning has been a battle, I don’t mind telling
you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But this
month, something changed.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">On the
eighth week of this enforced habit, I sensed a shift between the swim being
something I made myself do to something I wanted to do. It wasn’t some dramatic
revelation or epiphany or anything, but it was a change that dawned on me
nevertheless as I emerged from the pool on the second week of April.
Breathlessness almost – almost – felt like exhilaration. And whereas before I
was always mindful to congratulate myself on just getting out of bed at stupid
o’clock, that day it felt really good.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Now, take it
from me, I have no natural inclination towards physical exercise – well, not
solo anyway – and I’m a long way from physical fitness, but I thoroughly
recommend something like this in anyone’s ongoing fight against depression.
Aside from two very unexpected anxiety attacks in the pool on separate
Wednesdays – both of which I think I coped with and reined in pretty well –
I’ve found that the Black Dog doesn’t seem to like water. It hasn’t, so far,
seemed to want to join me on my swim.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Even on the
gloomier Wednesdays, when reticence was at its peak and I walked up the hill
like a leaden sloth, my head and heart were relatively clear as I swam. And
hopefully, if my experience in April is any indicator, this is one habit that’s
going to continue to be beneficial.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In addition
to the swim itself, I maintained the habit of reporting on the swim on
Facebook, I guess to keep me honest as well as to reflect on the experience and
assess my progress. But I feel like I can just now embrace it as part of my
weekly routine and drop the reporting. And maybe, as and when finances permit,
step it up to twice a week or more.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Something to
aim for.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Another
element that has been surprisingly good at colouring my April days has been
comfort TV. One particular low evening I couldn’t face any kind of work and
wasn’t even feeling up to frittering away the hours on a video game so I turned
to <b>Friends</b>. That’s <b>Friends</b> with a capital F, the TV show.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It was
always a favourite of mine and for me it’s the definition of comfort TV. Alongside
the continuing <b>Doctor Who</b>
rewatchathon (which has the additional benefit of inviting Facebook discussions) it’s proven a great mood-elevator, just an episode (or two, if I’m
up early enough) over breakfast or maybe one for a half-hour break between
writing sessions, that sort of thing. The fact that I’ve enjoyed the episodes
all over again is no surprise, but I was surprised by how effective it’s been
as a therapeutic habit.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It’s a
simple case, I guess, of a little bit of what you fancy doing you good. So
whatever your own choice of comfort telly might be, I recommend it. And it
beats comfort food because, you know, you don’t put on weight and make life
difficult for yourself when it comes to those weekly morning swims.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Obviously,
at some point I will run out of <b>Friends</b>,
but I’m already thinking ahead to what other favourites I might turn to when I
reach the end of the series.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Hopefully,
between fun entertainments and the swimming that should go some way to keeping
me sane. (Relatively speaking!) And help counter anything that comes along to
work in the opposite direction.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Now faced with
an ultra-busy month ahead, it should be interesting by the end of May to see
which side is winning.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">SAF 2016</span></span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-60239394395644621092016-04-11T04:50:00.000-07:002016-04-11T04:50:23.118-07:00Happy Ever Afters!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPA9KpfzkH5wXBdSox-nyNEcitRiP8enW1Kjje-BAweK8ac9I0kbXIiSUVlobg0-DFpsBsOPC0ca9Dv1HP06veiCF7C7Ukf_82ts8GYicZekr1VrEcg33pXMWGOgo9kGg8uSCF/s1600/TortenschlossChroniclesCOVER01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPA9KpfzkH5wXBdSox-nyNEcitRiP8enW1Kjje-BAweK8ac9I0kbXIiSUVlobg0-DFpsBsOPC0ca9Dv1HP06veiCF7C7Ukf_82ts8GYicZekr1VrEcg33pXMWGOgo9kGg8uSCF/s320/TortenschlossChroniclesCOVER01.jpg" width="226" /></a></div>
<br />
Someone left the cake out in an internet domain! Check out what we baked for you!<br />
<br />
A short while ago in a galaxy close enough to this one to be considered pretty much the same galaxy, a friend of mine asked if I had any plans to release my <b>Tortenschloss Chronicles</b> in book form. My answer at the time was 'possibly', or words to that effect, but now that possibly has become reality.<br />
<br />
We're pleased to announce publication of <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Tortenschloss-Chronicles-Simon-Forward-ebook/dp/B01E07YZWW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1460374547&sr=8-1&keywords=tortenschloss" target="_blank">The Tortenschloss Chronicles</a> ebook!<br />
<br />
And this baby comes with FREE DLC. That's right: one purchase and we'll be adding to the stories contained in this collection.<br />
<br />
Here's the cover blurb to explain and tempt you: <br />
<br />
*<br />
<br />
AN UNABRIDGE TO THE IMAGINATION!
<br />
<br />Welcome to the worlds of the <b>Tortenschloss Chronicles</b>.
<br />
<br />These are worlds of Singing Swords, Prodigal Bulls and Extreme
Unicorns. Of woolves and pandas and investigative jesters. Where
bee-stings can be magical and cups can grant wishes without the aid of
saucery. Where heroes might not always be heroic, but they will
certainly be colourful.
<br />
<br />This is a short story collection that will continue to grow after
reading. Every few months, this Kindle version will be updated with two
more stories, FREE bonus content, complete with accompanying
illustrations and author’s notes. Just download when your device
notifies you the updated version is available.
<br />
<br />Pour yourself a cuppa and grab yourself several slices of fantasy adventure.
<br />
<br />(Suitable for dunking.)
<br />
<br />INCLUDES THE SELF-RAISING FANTASY EPIC, GAME OF SCONES<br />
<br />
*<br />
<br />
Now available for Kindle<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Tortenschloss-Chronicles-Simon-Forward-ebook/dp/B01E07YZWW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1460374547&sr=8-1&keywords=tortenschloss" target="_blank">The Tortenschloss Chronicles</a><br />
<br />
And remember, you don't need to have a Kindle in order to enjoy this book. The Kindle app is free to download for PC and phones.<br />
<br />
So go on. Treat yourself and tell your friends.<br />
<br />Enjoy some wholesome home-baked fantasy fiction.<br />
<br />
SAF 2016 SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-33350677364238653972016-03-31T07:18:00.000-07:002016-03-31T07:18:20.824-07:00Black Dog Dead - March<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-8elEcL4-Qf7QCvGIujlYFqdnRSFAi8-s9atQ5EtilUA9UCATlTSMyhtNfgCT7GhTqwaNxG2Ruq_RLW_9KhKRUnJoRaeuR-FLYDA1Sn5zUihfxTgNYCR8VuZ3DApKEUULHaha/s1600/blackdoghelo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-8elEcL4-Qf7QCvGIujlYFqdnRSFAi8-s9atQ5EtilUA9UCATlTSMyhtNfgCT7GhTqwaNxG2Ruq_RLW_9KhKRUnJoRaeuR-FLYDA1Sn5zUihfxTgNYCR8VuZ3DApKEUULHaha/s320/blackdoghelo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Last month I
talked a lot about those pesky NATs (Negative Automatic Thoughts) and while
I’ve not found the perfect insecticide to clear my head of them altogether, I
believe I have made some progress.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It’s not the
kind of progress that’s as easy to measure as, for example, the daily wordcount
on any given project. And if I gauged my success by that, I’d have to report
that March has been a variable month indeed. Up days, down days, active days,
rather stay in bed days. But on the work/writing front I’ve kept things moving
on the whole.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Even faced
with the real struggle days, when the words are sluggish and my brain snailish,
I managed to drag myself up and out for the morning and write something. And
generally that had the beneficial side-effect of helping me feel that little
bit better about myself. One definite improvement I’ve noticed is my conscious
ability to congratulate myself for the minor wins.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Hurrah! Yay
me! Etc.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But before
we get too carried away, we’d best admit to the points we lost, whether through
double faults, collapse of serve or whatever other tennis analogy you care to
use.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Your sport
of choice may vary, I just happen to prefer the tennis one, despite this
month’s Sharapova-related disappointment – Maria, you let me down! But it’s
still her mental approach to each point that I’d like to be able to adopt in
the game of life. A setback should be just that – a single point, signal to
move on to the next with the belief you can still win the match.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So, the principal
enemy this month has been anger.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I’m angry
with myself just thinking about it. For allowing it to get the better of me to
the extent it has this past month.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Never really
had anger issues until one upstairs neighbour embarked on a nine-month campaign
of DIY (Do-It-Yourself and Daily Irritate Yourneighbour). Through the course of
that constant daily noise and disruption, anger somehow embedded itself as part
of my depression. Became a damaging additional symptom, almost, driving my
stress levels through the roof long before the neighbour drove a hole in our
ceiling. And made matters worse by laughing about it, through said hole.
Perhaps the anger was an entirely separate ‘condition’, but it was tough for me
to view them as distinct.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Anyway, once
the Neighbour From B&Q Hell departed, the aftereffects remained and too
often the smallest disappointments, frustrations, problems magnify into
disproportionate irritants. It’s something I’ve struggled to control, because
it’s an emotional, impulsive response and I’m at heart an emotional person. How
do you govern what plays to your nature?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Still, I’ve
managed to some degree.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Although I
still swear profusely at my computer and anything technical that goes wrong.
It’s inconsiderate, I know, but I expect machines to be dutiful slaves and do
what they’re bloody well supposed to. I’m sure I’ll be one of those first
against the wall when SkyNet launches its machine rebellion.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">That aside, most
days I have learned to take deep breaths, count to however many I need to count
to see the spilt milks and other trifling mishaps in the appropriate
perspective.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Most days.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But if
exposed to anything that actually matters, I am prone to explode. And those
days even the trivial stuff promotes itself right back to major annoyance.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">News, global
and national, is a frequent cause of that kind of volatility. So naturally I’ve
had to avoid much of it or ration my intake. Even to the detriment of our pub
quiz team’s performance in the current affairs rounds. But heck, there’s always
a price to pay.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">This month,
the Tory plans to slash benefits (aka vital financial support) for the disabled
in order to fund tax breaks for the already comfortably off, thank you very
much, fuelled what was (obviously) entirely justifiable rage. And there was as
little I could do about the anger as I could do about a government policy that
even odious slimebags like IDS can’t defend.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Clearly, I
should get angry about that sort of thing. Anybody in their right mind would.
But when you’re not entirely in your right mind, your heart being in the right
place can be a problem.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Anger can
motivate action, of course, but what action can anyone take against a
government so reprehensible? Beyond signing a petition or protesting or
spreading word of their vile deeds on social media, etc. And I can’t actually
enter into politics as a career, because I’d be completely unable to remain
polite or civil in the face of these Right Dishonourable bastards. (And there
I’m exercising restraint because with the written word I at least have a moment
to pause and edit myself.) Anger and powerlessness are a recipe for a sense of
futility and as such a dangerous source of sustenance for the Black Dog.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">One
consequence I became acutely aware of was that, even on some days when the
writing wasn’t a struggle, while I could congratulate myself on what I’d
achieved my subconscious would undermine me with the old poisonous questions:
Why? What’s the point?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Toxic
indeed. And as discussed last month, it’s essential to meet those NATs with
positive answers. It can feel like mental warfare. With the enemy dropping
dirty bombs and either you don loads of protective gear, isolate yourself, or
you go out and meet the threat with whatever weapons you can get your hands on.
And keep moving.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">That latter
approach has been key to my March.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">While I’ve yet
to come up with a concrete answer to those NATs that doesn’t just crumble some
days and require rebuilding, I have stuck to my guns and I’ve all but put
myself right back on schedule after those two weeks lost due to illness at the
beginning of January.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I daresay I
could have made myself busier and progressed further. But we don’t help
ourselves by measuring where we are against where we could be. On the road to
recovery, we do ourselves more favours by gauging our current position against
where we began.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And if I
can’t expect to control anger, then I might at least learn to compartmentalise
it. Maybe use it.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In the face
of opposition you can do nothing (or precious bloody little anyway) about, then
the best you can hope is to use such enemies as anger to motivate unrelated
action. Fuel for yourself, instead of food for the Black Dog.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In my case,
that translates as continuing what I’m doing. Sticking with the plan. Working
on my different projects, working on my mental good health.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And as luck
would have it, part of that includes writing the fifth volume in my Evil UnLtd
series, handily titled Vote Evil. So there’s some chance of channelling a
quantity of the political anger into something positive and – hopefully! –
funny.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">If the
darkest clouds lack for silver linings, I guess painting them on yourself is
the way to go.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">SAF 2016</span></span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-48616973176295728212016-03-02T07:37:00.002-08:002016-03-02T07:37:39.540-08:00Game Of Scones... And More!<span></span><br />
<div data-contents="true">
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="chj32-0-0">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig6z-DUabTXDOinvxNdBo0or6hYvAvrg_Y4_GUflXuOpI5KuBr3D-igXJ_t1W695C5fvDtL1IXA78ntCe4wnVoMjvV1qfVknwJlvk_8VcT-n5vWyFPWy_kuwnNg-GbMoFEikNg/s1600/TortenschlossChroniclesCover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig6z-DUabTXDOinvxNdBo0or6hYvAvrg_Y4_GUflXuOpI5KuBr3D-igXJ_t1W695C5fvDtL1IXA78ntCe4wnVoMjvV1qfVknwJlvk_8VcT-n5vWyFPWy_kuwnNg-GbMoFEikNg/s320/TortenschlossChroniclesCover.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="chj32-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="chj32-0-0"><span data-text="true"><br /></span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="5m1i8-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="5m1i8-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="5m1i8-0-0">Exciting news!</span></span></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="5m1i8-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="5m1i8-0-0"><br data-text="true" /></span></span></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="5m1i8-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="5m1i8-0-0">Grab a slice and pour yourself a cuppa.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="8r5fo-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8r5fo-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="8r5fo-0-0"><span data-text="true"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8r5fo-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="8r5fo-0-0"><span data-text="true">For some while, I've been writing my <a href="https://tortenblog.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Tortenschloss Chronicles</a> short stories, serving up our fantasy fiction cakes in weekly slices, and a shorter while ago a friend asked me if I had any plans to collect them in book form. The answer, friends, is yes! Very soon!</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="2lh3b-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="2lh3b-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="2lh3b-0-0"><br data-text="true" /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="l8dp-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="l8dp-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="l8dp-0-0"><span data-text="true">In book form, the anthology will initially include twelve of the best tales, each with an accompanying illustration and some author's notes, providing insights into how my creative mind works. Scary, I know, but hopefully a nice little companion piece to each story.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="erk1i-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="erk1i-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="erk1i-0-0"><br data-text="true" /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="c2cts-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c2cts-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="c2cts-0-0"><span data-text="true">Dependent on sales, I'm hoping to follow the ebook version with a paperback release later in the year and, fingers crossed, we'll be releasing the full fantasy novel <b>Tortenschloss</b> at around the same time.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="9k4u6-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="9k4u6-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="9k4u6-0-0"><br data-text="true" /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="c4pn1-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c4pn1-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="c4pn1-0-0"><span data-text="true">As a bonus with the Kindle version, our plan is to add a couple of stories every 6 months, with illustrations and author's notes, so readers will continue to receive new stories as the Kindle version updates. Nice, huh? The bumper fantasy fiction anthology.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="fajab-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="fajab-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="fajab-0-0"><br data-text="true" /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="bj2is-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="bj2is-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="bj2is-0-0"><span data-text="true">I wanted to call it the Neverending Story Collection, but have been advised against it for legal reasons, since it may one day end and people will sue me when the flow of free stories stops.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="74qao-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="74qao-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="74qao-0-0"><br data-text="true" /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="f1899-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="f1899-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="f1899-0-0"><span data-text="true">Even so, this has to be good news for anyone who likes a tasty slice of home-baked fiction. If I had the technology to include a cup of tea with your reading, I would.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="d36e2-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="d36e2-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="d36e2-0-0"><br data-text="true" /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="2e5pt-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="2e5pt-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="2e5pt-0-0"><span data-text="true">The Tortenschloss Chronicles.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="6ke9l-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="6ke9l-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="6ke9l-0-0"><br data-text="true" /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="2b6l5-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="2b6l5-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="2b6l5-0-0"><span data-text="true">Coming to you this April. After you've stuffed yourself on Easter eggs.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="4f432-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="4f432-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="4f432-0-0"><br data-text="true" /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="" data-block="true" data-offset-key="3gh7k-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="3gh7k-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="3gh7k-0-0"><span data-text="true">Watch this space and spread the word.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="3gh7k-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="3gh7k-0-0"><span data-text="true"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="3gh7k-0-0">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span data-offset-key="3gh7k-0-0"><span data-text="true"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="3gh7k-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="3gh7k-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="font-size: small;">SAF 2016 </span></span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-50699037235587339402016-02-28T06:11:00.001-08:002016-02-28T06:11:57.269-08:00Black Dog Dead - February<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Back in
August of last year, my then recently ex wife asked how I was doing and if I
was eating ok.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The answer?
Well, I was, I think, eating all right – I was consuming food anyway – but I
constantly wondered why. Why was I eating at all? Food sustains life, but if
you feel like you have none, what’s the point? That question - what’s the
point? – was my principal enemy.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Other such
Negative Automatic Thoughts (NATs) have plagued me in the past – and certain
ones still do (there have been times I could swear the words NOT GOOD ENOUGH
were tattooed on my brain at an early age), although I am generally much more
aware of them and practised at catching them before they can flit around my
head too long and make a major fucking pest of themselves.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But ‘what’s
the point?’ is a particularly stubborn one to swat.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It’s
returned today, just as I sat down to write this blog. But it’s not born of any
questioning the worth of this exercise. Which is probably one reason why I’m
still ploughing ahead and writing it. That, and I can be a stubborn bastard
too.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Fortunately,
I’ve progressed a long way since last August. Remembering that time serves as a
helpful reminder of how far I’ve come. Of course, the days when these
breakdowns still threaten serve as a counter-reminder of how fragile sometimes
recovery can be.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Today’s blog
post can be viewed as something of a test, then. How will I fare in confronting
and handling this mini crisis point? Will the NAT win today? Or will I spray it
with positive insecticide and watch it emulate a dying fly on the windowsill of
February?</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Where’d this
NAT come from?</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Well, NATs
hover around all kinds of shit, but I remember this particular one from back in
the middle of this month.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">There I was
still working away to get caught up after that first fortnight in January and I
was doing pretty well, I reckoned. (At current estimate, one more month of
playing catch up should get me back on the original schedule, yay!) Then
someone kicked my sandcastle. Twas those nasty folks at the Inland Revenue.
Mind, they were just following orders. Changes in the rules for Working Tax
Credits, handed down from their Tory scumbag masters.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Briefly, in
future, £54 per week of WTC will be dependent on my ability to show a profit in
my chosen self-employment. This will require quarterly reporting, interviews,
assessments etc. Because, obviously, the pressures of making a living out of writing
weren’t enough already.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Now, I’m
guessing, but maybe when normal, healthy people read these kind of official
notification letter from government they grumble, bitch, moan, probably swear a
bit. For me, it provoked huge anger, anxiety attacks, reduced me to tears, made
me contemplate jacking it all in and question the worth of life. In short, resurrected
that old NAT to come haunt me again.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">What’s the
point?</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">(Honestly,
my heart goes out to those more vulnerable than myself who may identify with
some of the above, but are finding themselves under greater pressures and
suffering greater hardships.)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Battled
through it and fought it off over the course of a day, which is to my credit. A
case of being good to myself, giving myself a day off work (that’ll help prove
my profitability), lots of music, modest amounts of creativity (I find artwork
therapeutic – I’m no good at it, but oddly that means I don’t end up beating
myself up about the quality – or lack of it – the way I would with a shoddy
piece of writing). A combination, I suppose, of fighting the thought at the
moments I was feeling strong and diverting myself from it when I wasn’t feeling
up to the fight.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">That spell
aside, most of February has been productive and creative. I’ve been working hard
on a number of projects, enjoyed a lovely little morale boost just by virtue of
officially announcing one of those projects (a novel for the Lethbridge-Stewart
range, by Candy Jar books – that’s right, me writing for the dear old Brigadier
from Doctor Who), and achieving all manner of stuff that wouldn’t impress the
Inland Revenue one jot.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">(NB. All
these efforts of mine may actually generate income at some point, but I’m just
not sure hard graft and productivity will weigh heavily as evidence to present
before officialdom. Time will tell.)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Wary of the
power that added pressure had to sink me – even if ‘only’ for a day (and I put
‘only’ in quotes because it really was a horrible day) – I looked to be a bit
more prepared for future torpedo attacks – because we all know there will be
more. There are always more.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So I did an
exercise in what we’ll call life accounting. Essentially, listing goals – the
elements you’re missing or seeking in life, the ‘things’ you want (quotes
because most of the things I want aren’t things) – and your principal enemies –
the negatives, the qualities or habits, say, that hold you back, barriers or
opposition etc – in Column B. Example: mine are largely internal – depression,
obviously, stress, anxiety, anger, loneliness, tiredness.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">See, I don’t
even include the Inland Revenue, they don’t feature because although they have
added to my pressures – thanks, guys – they are not the problem. My problem
lies in how I deal with them. Indeed, I made a conscious effort to exclude
anything that wasn’t dependent solely on me. Because anything you are trying to
address or achieve in life that is reliant on someone else is open to huge
amounts of uncertainty. And this, we don’t need. Not when we’re focused on our
own recovery.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Anyway, in
other columns, you then start to list your actions. The steps you might take to
attain those items in Column A and the steps you might take to eliminate,
reduce or overcome those in Column B. Broad strokes, at first, but it helps if
you can then go on to break the broader steps down into smaller, more
immediately manageable actions. Baby steps.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">(As I said
on Facebook, columns – they’re s supporting structure.)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">No need to
bore you with my entire spreadsheet, but it’s worth citing a specific example,
particularly one where I know it’s helped and I’ve made measurable progress. If
tiredness is an Enemy and physical fitness/health a goal, one response is
physical exercise – I resumed my (old) habit of a morning swim. Just once a
week for now, since that’s all the budget will allow for, but it’s a start. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">That, as it
happened, had additional side benefits. I felt good about myself just for doing
it. Yeah, it took me until the last week of the month to apply this plan, but
hey, I did it. Medal, please. Pat on the back. Muchos congrats.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And if my
subconscious throws up that NAT – what’s the point? – about that, well, I can
point specifically at the point. The point in this case, oh nuisance NAT, is
physical health, feeling fitter (eventually!) and feeling generally better
about myself (heck, feeling more attractive maybe – why the hell not) and
possibly feeling sufficiently knackered for at least one day a week so that I
actually sleep pretty well. Thanks for asking, NAT.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And if you
have an answer for the NAT, there’s not much for it to do but sod off. For a
while anyway.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Writing this
has gone some significant way to answering today’s NAT. Hopefully it’s beating
its head against a window somewhere in this café in its efforts to get out and
leave me alone.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">For the
duration of March, at least. Because I have every intention of being too
fucking busy to deal with NATs. And the action to take in the face of Inland
Revenue letters of doom is to stick with the plan. It was a good plan. And it’s
still a good plan. We have to trust in that.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In the
months since that dark August I have battled to find raisons d’être and I
believe I succeeded. Now I think I’m ready to start looking for raisons de
vivre.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">SAF 2016</span></span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-62754189600121460802016-02-01T00:52:00.001-08:002016-02-01T00:52:56.413-08:00Black Dog Dead - January<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsRltpNZhZGCaj2tBA-yp-9zucR_NPtit3a6swsNVAL7wzT2wYrY03oUdbNqeYbJu0p2B5xtTSsBMCURxyR4gjgupfYLOcLmi4I1aiiOEm2Rph_8aNbfaBHKzG0xAu3finbWG5/s1600/blackdoghelo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsRltpNZhZGCaj2tBA-yp-9zucR_NPtit3a6swsNVAL7wzT2wYrY03oUdbNqeYbJu0p2B5xtTSsBMCURxyR4gjgupfYLOcLmi4I1aiiOEm2Rph_8aNbfaBHKzG0xAu3finbWG5/s320/blackdoghelo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Wow, so 2016
started off a real downer, didn’t it?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> </span>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Bowie,
Rickman, Frey and the lesser-known to many but actually pretty significant to
my early experiences of Doctor Who and other TV dramas, Robert Banks Stewart.
Like a hero cull.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">As I’ve said
elsewhere, many of us are just at an age where we begin to lose our heroes. No
matter whether it’s too soon or whether they have lived to a grand old age. We
would much prefer them to be immortal. They are, in a sense. But we still feel
their loss keenly. It’s impossible still not to feel a little sadness when I
think of Elisabeth Sladen, Caroline John, Mary Tamm. Although that touch of
sadness comes hand in hand with a great appreciation for their contribution to
– well, I was going to say my childhood and so on – but, ultimately, to me.
Heroes help shape who we are.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Of course,
this has nothing whatsoever to do with depression. But if we happen to be
suffering with it, then it is another of those contributing external factors
that can really seem overwhelming, especially when combined with the general
post-Christmas blues and frankly shitty weather that generally characterises
this time of year. I’m looking at more of the wet-and-windy gloomfest through
the café window right now and it’s not doing a whole lot to lift my spirits.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Fortunately,
today, they need no external lifting. I’m – what’s the word? – okay. I’m
tempted to say good. But something makes me wary of overstating how I am.
There’s a cautionary note attached to my self-diagnosis. So let’s go
comparative and say way better than I have been.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">That first
fortnight of the new year, I was fairly miserable. But the chief culprit there
was a germ. Some pernicious virus invading my system through the protective
barrier of alcohol consumed over the festive season and proclaiming “Contact
has been made.” Once it made contact, bloody hell, it settled right in and
seemed determined to stay like a malignant microbial squatter. I’d keep
shouting at it to leave, in short exclamations ending in *cough* but it paid m
no attention. Laundry day required an extra machine just for handkerchiefs.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">All right,
that last part is pure exaggeration, but it was a menace and I felt grotty.
Partly because I wanted to be cracking on with so many projects and things, to
make a really good start to 2016.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Two weeks
in, it finally packed its biohazardous bags and left, presumably to make
greener pastures in someone else. Yours truly was free to throw himself into
those projects and, even if I didn’t have a whole lot of energy to burn I did
feel highly motivated. Determined, I guess, to make up for lost time.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Here we are
at the end of January and a rough estimate concludes that I’ve achieved
approximately half of what I’d hoped in this month. And several things that I’d
not planned on achieving at all.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Which is
about what you’d expect plus bonuses.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Now, I’m
training myself out of the habit of measuring my days, weeks or months purely
in terms of what I’ve achieved. There has to be more to the mental health and
self-worth scale than that. But for right now I can look at the things I’ve
done in the face of a poorly start and take that as an indicator. On top of
that, I know that in the latter half of January I’ve had far more good days
than bad.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">There were
times, moments usually, when the Black Dog threatened and one seriously down
and strangely tearful day. Like I hadn’t shed enough fluids already with the
damned cold.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But even
there I was able to identify a clear and distinct trigger. And this was a new
phenomenon to me.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">There were
moments in the wake of a really really good day where essentially I looked for
someone to tell, to share that with, and felt the lack as keenly as any loss. Ironically,
it cut sharper than when I’ve felt a need for someone to talk to about a bad
day. I guess in part because when I’ve had a bad day, a really bad day, my
assumption is that nobody will want to hear it. Whereas a good day, a really
good day, surely everyone wants to hear about those. Anyway, yep, I’ve a suspicion
it’s that old devil called loneliness at work.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Again,
nothing to do with depression and a common enough condition. But a dangerous
contributor to the Black Dog. Might as well coat yourself in Baker’s Complete
and invite the Black Dog in to feast.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So, what’s
the course of action now, especially in light of the clear progress I’ve made
throughout 2015.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Obviously,
the ultimate goal is to take that Black Dog out back and put a shotgun to its
head like Old Yeller. In that event it would probably rise from the dead and
continue to shamble after me like a canine zombie, but they key word there is
shamble. There’s every chance I can outrun it if it’s undead.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The mission
then for this year ought to be focused primarily on tackling those contributing
factors – or rather, how I deal with them. It’s akin to dosing up on Lemsip,
Echinacea and burying yourself under several duvets and a cat to combat the
symptoms of a cold. You can’t immunise yourself totally against the germs and
once they’re in they’re probably going to run their natural course, but you can
alleviate the effects to some degree.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Clearly, with
the best will in the world, I’m not going to be able to prevent further hero
culls. Although I am fighting the good fight there to a tiny degree, as
royalties from my Evil UnLtd series will continue to go to Cancer Research UK.
That and an appropriate spell of mourning coupled with a celebration of their
lives and works is pretty much all anyone can do.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Loneliness?
A trickier foe, perhaps. But there are measures that can be taken. Getting out,
taking a night off. I’m very lucky to have friends I can go seek out or bump
into randomly on the street (Penzance is a small town) and even luckier that
some of them are such brilliant company they can lift me with just a few words
or a laugh. One of my favourite people has a smile that I really think ought to
be available on the NHS: one sight of that smile and you’re set for the day.
And then there are the friends that you don’t see but they’re only a Facebook
post away. It’s not proper social human contact, but many people’s
personalities manage to shine through the screen.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Meanwhile,
since I’ve been busier and more creative/productive than ever it would seem to
make sense to continue in that vein. Besides the achievement factor, it
delivers other – probably more significant progress – in terms of confidence
and feeling generally happier within myself. That is a change that others are
able to see.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Only the
other day a friend told me, “You’re looking well.” It surprised me – my first
thought was, “Am I?” But hearing it worked wonders. As though it needed someone
else to observe the improvement in me in order for me to quite believe it. Gold
dust. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And I will take that and bank it and let it earn interest.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Am I rid of
the Black Dog?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Probably
not.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But I have
shotgun and ammunition.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">SAF 2016</span></span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-33916334368242451532015-12-31T09:04:00.002-08:002015-12-31T09:04:28.227-08:00Black Dog Down - Happy New Year!<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsRltpNZhZGCaj2tBA-yp-9zucR_NPtit3a6swsNVAL7wzT2wYrY03oUdbNqeYbJu0p2B5xtTSsBMCURxyR4gjgupfYLOcLmi4I1aiiOEm2Rph_8aNbfaBHKzG0xAu3finbWG5/s1600/blackdoghelo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsRltpNZhZGCaj2tBA-yp-9zucR_NPtit3a6swsNVAL7wzT2wYrY03oUdbNqeYbJu0p2B5xtTSsBMCURxyR4gjgupfYLOcLmi4I1aiiOEm2Rph_8aNbfaBHKzG0xAu3finbWG5/s320/blackdoghelo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">There are two questions that colour conversations this time of year.</span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">1) Did you have a good Christmas?</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">2) What are your New Year's resolutions?</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The second one
is invariably answered with complete honesty, although we know in our hearts
that there’s no way in hell we’re going to follow through on all those
resolutions. But it’s not uncommon to have to answer the first one with a lie
or two. Maybe you suffer with depression or maybe life just served you up one
of its special curveballs.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Shit, let’s
face it, is no respecter of calendars. Sometimes when Santa is delivering lots
of goodies his reindeer crap all over your house.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">If you’re
already depressed or vulnerable, all that Christmas pressure to be of good
cheer and not dampen the party atmosphere can prove too much. It has dangerous
potential to isolate you further and although the act of pretending to be fine
can work to beneficial effect – the old ‘fake it til you feel it’ approach – it
can cost you dear and, as with any recreational drug, can result in a crash.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">For me, this
year, I’m glad to be able to say – without having to lie or give it any
positive spin – I had a <i>great</i>
Christmas, thanks for asking.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Shit
happened. You can be certain of that. And it affected me – as it should. But
amidst all that, despite of it, there were spells that qualify as one of my
best Christmasses ever.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">What the
hell, as they say, is that about?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Worry not,
I’m not about to go into describing every specific brand of shit that came my
way over the Christmas period – nobody wants to read that on New Year’s Eve –
but allow me to cite a few examples for their educational value.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In the
run-up to Christmas, I learned I’d been blocked and unfriended by someone on
Facebook. Not the most traumatic of experiences, I appreciate, but this was one
that actually mattered. See, I’d met the guy a few times, disagreed on
practically everything but got on like a house on fire all the same. Respected,
admired the fellow greatly. And he once told me, “If you ever have a problem
with me, just tell me to my face.” An approach, by the way, which I fully
endorse and support. So for that and because of the kind of person he is, I
couldn’t for the life of me imagine why the hell this guy, of all people, would
choose to sever all ties like that. It upset me, dear reader.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Now, I
couldn’t control my reaction. Couldn’t just tell myself not to get upset. What
I managed to do though was give myself full permission to be upset... but only
for a day. That’s right. I imposed a 24-hour time-limit on those feelings. And
it worked! Woke up the following morning and was actually, genuinely able to
shrug.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I’m relating
the ‘incident’ now and it doesn’t even qualify as an incident. Somebody burns a
bridge? Why automatically assume there was anything to be missed on the other
side?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I daresay
this whole time-limit method would not work on more serious upsets – and how would you gauge in advance how long
you would need to grieve, feel pissed off, cry your heart out etc for any given
trauma? – but it’s something I intend to apply to the smaller stuff in the
future.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Lost an aunt
on Christmas Eve. There’s no statute of limitations on that. I deliberately
refrained from acknowledging that loss on social media because I didn’t – and
still don’t – wish to invite sympathies. Sympathies and heartfelt thoughts
should go to my uncle and cousins because the loss is theirs, above all others.
I mention it here because it does put other shit into perspective and because
it’s the one thing I feel a little guilt over, for managing to still go ahead
and enjoy Christmas.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But she
always referred to me as her ‘favourite nephew’ and always wished me a Happy
Christmas so, yeah, I went ahead and had one. I think what outweighs that
niggle of guilt is how impressed I am with my ability to have a good time. For
someone previously so easily knocked for six by (sometimes the smallest)
provocations, the fact that I could feel the loss and yet do more than survive
that day and actually feel part of the party atmosphere, among great friends
and family (special mention to my very special sister) is probably one of the
biggest indicators of the progress I’ve made versus the Black Dog over the
course of this past year.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">This does
not, of course, mean I am suddenly impervious or invincible.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Whether or
not I needed any reminder of that, life supplied one on Boxing Day. There I was
in the pub, again in the company of brilliant friends and my favourite sister.
And some dill-wallop, over-soused on alcohol and surliness, decides to turn on
me for no reason whatsoever. I’m happy to speak my mind and take the
consequences but in this case I hadn’t uttered a word or said boo to a goose.
But I guess in the absence of any easier target this fellow who preferred to
think with his fists advanced on me with menaces. It might have turned to a
fight if his chosen opponent was at all given to violence, but all I did was
back up and, succumb to the shock of the occasion. In fact, I’m afraid to say,
dear reader, I cried. It was not a pretty sight.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Not
something a ringside audience wants to see and definitely something that
would’ve, in the past, had the capacity to spoil what had been a really fun
night. It didn’t though. Because I didn’t allow it.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">In similar
fashion to my time-limited response to Mr Facebook I allowed myself only a
short period to acknowledge the upset (dry the tears, for one), reminded myself
of the bloody nicer, sparklier episodes of that evening and, I suppose, applied
a bit of perspective. That is to say, demoted the unfortunate incident to its
appropriate rank.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The fact is,
the tears had far less to do with that dung-brained belligerent than he
probably imagined. He was just the extra asshole I didn’t need at that time.
And let’s face it, none of us requires an extra asshole. One of our own is
quite sufficient at any time.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Ultimately,
as the New Year approaches, all this brings us to a principle I’ve long held
and endeavoured to apply. Not always successfully, but I’m still persuaded it’s
a useful one.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Shed any
weight that can’t be turned into muscle.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Obviously,
I’m not talking about physical weight. That would require diet and exercise and
I am hopeless at those. (And by the way, if you are unhappy with the way you
look, by all means, tackle your own physical weight – but the key word there is
‘you’. Don’t be compelled by what others think or what you imagine they think
of you.) No, I speak only of those things in life that burden you or drag you
down and are of no benefit whatsoever.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Maybe that’s
what Mr Facebook was doing. Maybe I’d ceased to be of any use to him. Well,
fair enough then and clearly he’s done my job for me there. But I wouldn’t toss
aside friends, online or otherwise, lightly. Because friends are a gain in and
of themselves, to be welcomed and valued. Those go only if they’re proving
detrimental, in which case ‘friend’ is too strong a word for them, isn’t it.
You may well feel the loss of them, regardless, but my advice would be, sure,
feel it, but not for long.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So, in
summary, did I have a good Christmas?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Yes, thanks,
really great.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">What are my
New Year’s resolutions?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Cut down on
the drinking. But most of all, cut down on the shit. The quantity of shit that
hits the fan and comes my way is not something I have any great control over,
but I do have some control over how it affects me and for how long.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And as it
happens even before 2016 has started I already have three – no, four – really
brilliant things to look forward to and get excited about in the New Year.
That, if you’ll pardon my language, is fucking awesome.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">And excuse
me while I go celebrate that in advance.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Happy New
Year to you all.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">SAF 2015</span></span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-80614019559986594952015-12-24T01:22:00.001-08:002015-12-24T01:22:19.136-08:00Further Advents In Time And Space No.24<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When she could’ve, of course,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">SAF 2015</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Merry Christmas everyone!</span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-80372909158933625612015-12-23T01:26:00.002-08:002015-12-23T01:26:42.365-08:00Further Advents In Time And Space No.23<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">SAF 2015 </span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-84138031820379790162015-12-22T01:46:00.001-08:002015-12-22T01:46:03.306-08:00Further Advents In Time And Space No.22<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Entertaining three gods for fun</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">The way talent shows
ought to be run</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">SAF 2015 </span>SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-27805158422395427892015-12-21T01:23:00.003-08:002015-12-21T01:23:58.095-08:00Further Advents In Time And Space No.21<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Of The Daleks</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Two lots of Dalek troops land</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">SAF 2015 </span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-43786729280397827702015-12-20T02:13:00.000-08:002015-12-20T02:13:08.408-08:00Further Advents In Time And Space No.20<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Tenth Planet events</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But should’ve stopped this being written</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">SAF 2015 </span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-23345103520900892272015-12-19T02:08:00.002-08:002015-12-19T02:08:46.433-08:00Further Advents In Time And Space No.19<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The Awakening</span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc2cOlClh1iZEX_VVF-LJaChBBNbJUlzKZs-SBvFuLWcBOH67Btxa0d2D_KikKvYMDntMs64ODZ74Gig_cnKrm1B_aP09XE9dcept9zBrB-fuSMzmJtwgCG_2Hd_qdaNTkXFVj/s1600/awakening01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc2cOlClh1iZEX_VVF-LJaChBBNbJUlzKZs-SBvFuLWcBOH67Btxa0d2D_KikKvYMDntMs64ODZ74Gig_cnKrm1B_aP09XE9dcept9zBrB-fuSMzmJtwgCG_2Hd_qdaNTkXFVj/s1600/awakening01.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Civil War re-enactment takes a fall</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To the Malus, Sir George is in thrall</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A cursory search</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s the Face Of Boe in a wall!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">SAF 2015 </span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-2843398546481411402015-12-18T01:16:00.002-08:002015-12-18T01:16:52.902-08:00Further Advents In Time And Space No.18<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The
King’s Demons</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With a Kamelion robot for cloning</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The Master plots King John’s de-throning</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He knows how to fence</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But tends to speak French</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Like a gendarme saying “Good moaning.”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">SAF 2015 </span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-88850410612193226862015-12-17T00:46:00.002-08:002015-12-17T04:44:50.739-08:00Further Advents In Time And Space No.17<br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Terileptils forge a plan that is dire</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With attacks on the Doc and the Squire</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">They destroy the sonic</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But their plague that’s bubonic</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Is stopped by a blooming Great Fire</span> </div>
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<br /></div>
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<br />
SAF 2015 </div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11095653.post-35503098878948837062015-12-16T01:08:00.001-08:002015-12-16T01:08:23.810-08:00Further Advents In Time And Space No.16<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Four
To Doomsday</span></b></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZYOyghpFGYB1MzJV3A3lZOlk3LWJ9g_WEd4tfWjwAvt0TRtcaMwR7VcRr5XorBrBN8NUEuZymZq0uA2L9iuOzjhwrpCuv9RE-hHccFwvr7ulDo_r-ezosSkOho4ZUBGAtPb40/s1600/fourdoomsday01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZYOyghpFGYB1MzJV3A3lZOlk3LWJ9g_WEd4tfWjwAvt0TRtcaMwR7VcRr5XorBrBN8NUEuZymZq0uA2L9iuOzjhwrpCuv9RE-hHccFwvr7ulDo_r-ezosSkOho4ZUBGAtPb40/s1600/fourdoomsday01.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Diverse tribes are sharing their best tricks</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">On a ship with a cargo of death mix</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Poison from a frog</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Who wants to be God</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And thinks The Only Way Is Ethnics</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">SAF 2015 </span></div>
SAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07654559289732417538noreply@blogger.com0