When I look
back over October, I have to acknowledge a simple truth: I’ve not achieved half
my goals for this month.
And then I
recognise a subtler, underlying truth: I’m okay with that.
This is
significant progress for someone who has spent most of his adult existence
measuring self-worth and even the value in life in terms of how much he’s
achieved within any given timeframe. All too often, the answer was ‘not a whole
lot’ – or so it seemed to me – and if that’s your main gauge on life and
yourself, well, the results are always going to be detrimental to your health.
This change
is not a seismic shift, but it’s pretty big.
So, what
happened?
Well, you’d
assume not very much if I didn’t achieve half my goals. And I have to fess up
to slacking a little. Certainly my discipline lapsed for a fortnight or more with
respect to household chores and maintaining a clutter-free environment. Not
sure why I let that slide, but I did and I’m not proud of that because that was
going well. Energy levels have been a factor, with insomnia and consequent
fatigue at record highs.
Alcohol consumption is also up, which – although it has tended to feel pretty good at the time
of drinking – is probably not helping. But, hey, at least some of the drinking
was social and the evenings can get lonely without a bottle.
(Note: this
is not a guide on how to tackle depression. This is only how I’m tackling it
and, as often as not, failing. Follow my example at your peril.)
Still, even
if alcohol is a poor choice of fuel I’ve been getting decent mileage per
gallon. Because while my checklist of goals achieved looks as thin as a Tory
promise I have been busy. I just happened to have achieved some things that
weren’t on my list of goals at the start of the month.
It’s good to
have alternatives and a fair degree of flexibility to go with the discipline.
One of my
original October goals I did complete was a short story, which I can’t tell you
much about, but while I overran my initial estimated delivery time by a few
days the finished story was that much better for those extra days. It was a
real treat to work on and simply having that project was a major morale boost.
And if I can’t take the credit for the opportunity – it came out of the blue
via a social media contact – I can take the credit for the story.
Not one for
self-congratulatory pats on the back as a rule, but sometimes you just have to
give yourself a thumbs up and say, I did that. Even if it is a relatively small
thing, they can be huge in your personal scheme.
This month
has also seen some developments and forward movement on two other projects and
there’s no denying that a few doses of good news can go a long way. Certainly
it’s better fuel than the alcohol. Externally sourced boosts are no cure for
depression, but they have their medicinal effects. As important as it is not to
depend on them, it’s vital to recognise and appreciate them when they do come
your way. More than that – embrace them.
Again, one
of these arose serendipitously out of a social media contact and I can’t claim
any credit for that, beyond being a sociable and affable and highly
approachable individual, natch. The other though, stemmed from me and an
approach I ventured some time ago. When the opportunity presents itself you
still have to have the courage to say yes. And again, dispense with the modesty
for a bit and say, I did that. I made that happen.
On the
surface that seems like I’m still measuring the month by what I achieved, but
there’s more to the picture than that.
Shit
happens, as we know, and October wasn’t like shit’s month off or anything. I
got hit with frustrations, annoyances, anxieties and all the usual depression
triggers. The sprinklings of good news served as armour and although the slings
and arrows of RLC (real-life crap) still stung and still knocked me down, their
effects were shorter-lived than usual.
Previously,
if a bad thing happened, my brain ruled that it was a bad day. I think, with a
little cushioning from the positives, I was able to gain a little distance and
a healthier perspective. Not yet ready to rise up against a sea of troubles –
what with the insomnia, it’s a miracle I rise up at all in the mornings. But
I’m adjusting to the idea that external factors, those outside of my control,
need not ruin – or even make (if it’s some good shit coming at me) – my day.
The lesson
here is that I can make – or ruin – my day.
So,
gradually, as the month has gone on, I’ve worked to apply that lesson.
Trivial
little things, such as the social media activity I’ve mentioned before. This
month, daily posts about Doctor Who, which have often invited great diversity
of opinion and sparked lively fun discussions. Yay for that. Also ensuring
there’s a treat or two in the month, treats that aren’t actually dependent on
anything I’ve achieved. A reward system is all well and good, but there’s no
harm in the occasional reward just because.
The
downside, of course, is a looming financial crisis, but hopefully I can stave
that off by generating some more work for myself. For example, I’m taking the
step of offering my services as an editor for authors. It may not resolve the
deficit, but for right now it’s enough that I’m taking that step. A little
boldness in that direction may translate to boldness in other areas. Quite a
difference from August, say, where I’d sunk to a horrible place of wondering
what the fuck was the point of it all. Today, I know that the point is me.
At the risk
of going all L’Oreal on yo ass, I’m worth it.
In another
bold step, I’ve decided to start phasing out the medication. This will likely
be the process of a month or more and I sense a degree of trepidation as I type
that, but it’s a case of feel the fear and do it anyway. The idea is to shift the emphasis from supportive
chemicals to what I can do for myself. And I think that’s key and the timing’s
right.
My head is
full of plans for the months ahead, as well as a few treats in the
social/entertainment calendar, and it’s great to have that motivation and focus
and, quite simply, ‘stuff to look forward to’ – but one truth I want to hold
onto is that my November will not be dependent on any of that. I’m sure a lot
of it will help but it should not determine the success or worth of those 30
days.
That will be
down to me.
Scary?
Sure. But
it’s Halloween. A bit of scary is good.
Happy
Halloween, folks.
SAF2015
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